{ only temporary }

Last night was a bad one.  horrible.  It was almost like having a newborn again who was suffering from colic.  restless and cranky.  At the time I sighed and tried to concentrate on the small body in my lap and told myself this is only temporary.  Even though I'm so overwhelmed in it all that I can't even begin to think of time where I won't spend a good portion of my night on the lounge chair with a restless toddler on my lap attempting to sleep.

The past few weeks have been terrible.  Alex has clued in to the uneasy stress that Mike and I have been dealing with from day to day just trying to figure out our next steps.  This has led to EPIC tantrums that last hours where I can't do anything but cling onto the small crying body of Alex and hum songs in hopes he'll calm down.  When we get home after long days, Alex won't let me out of his sight and screams if I even begin to think about making dinner for the family.   Instead of being excited for the few hours I have to play with the boys...even before I get to daycare to get the boys I'm counting down the hours before it's bedtime.

I'm trying to remember if Evan was this way.  It was only two years ago before Evan began routinely sleeping through the night.  I don't think it was ever this bad.  I also was at home more.  Evan was barely in daycare if at all before his preschool years, and now both boys are gone all day.

I often wonder if I'm making the right decisions. If putting in the extra hours to make ends meet and give my husband time to start feeling his way through school is really worth it in the end?  I know it is.  I know that 2 years is really just a short time and will pass more quickly than I realize.  But I hate that Alex is so worked up.  That instead of spending the day at play dates and mommy groups, I'm at work.

Already tonight I'm on edge.  Although it's quiet and both boys are in bed, I'm not sure how long it will last.  I plead that tonight both boys sleep.  That Alex is comfortable and barely makes a peep.  But if not, I'll be on the lounge again, with his warm body curled on my lap and I stroke his hair, telling myself this is only temporary.  And to treasure this time.  And hope that in a few years I'll forget the epic tantrums and mommy issues and just remember the moments in the middle of the night where it only seems like Alex and I exist.

{ you've survived 385 days }

{alex @ 6 days old }

Dear Mr. Alex,

You're first birthday was 3 weeks ago.  And in spite of a lot of things, you survived.  You've proven you are a force to be wrecked with and anyone that calls you meek and mild really doesn't have a clue.

{ me & my boys }

You are wild, crazy, and seem to think that the laws of gravity and physics don't apply to you.  After your hairline skull fracture and minor concussion and I can tell we have stitches and broken bones in your future.  You are stubborn, impulsive, and have no fear.  This has led to accident after accident.  In fact your daycare no longer calls me for every bump and bruise and a day without an incident report is a good day.

{ evan & alex }

You are also so very brave.  Going through test after test for your hydronephrosis.  You laid perfectly still for an hour both at 2 months and then at 10 months for your renogram.  You've aced ultrasounds and other imaging.  You were a champ through your surgery for tubes, and have mastered how to handle ear pain from all your ear infections.

{ daddy & alex }

You are incredible sweet.  Freely giving out hugs and kisses to all of us.  We love your cuddles and your big goofy grins hidden behind your nuks.  You are smart.  You have figured out how to pop open baby gates and how to get onto furniture by pushing pillows or stools next to whatever you want to climb on.  While you still haven't figured sleep out (your brother at that age hadn't either) you eat like I can't even believe, with blueberries (berries) and pancakes being your favorite.  Although you seem to think that whatever we eat or drink we really should be sharing with you.

{ our family }

I love calling you mine, Mr. Alex.  You are one heck of a one year old.  I can't even imagine all the grey hairs you are going to give your father and me through out the years. 

Love you to the moon and back,

mommy

{  happy birthday! }

{ Alex is 5 months...a lot late }

Nicknames:

Billy goat, fuss bucket, drool bucket, chunk-a-monk, little one, roll-e-poll-e

Evan calls him either bug or bud.

Weight:

15 lbs 7 oz

Clothes:

Finally packed away the last of the 3 mo clothes.  Totally in 6 mo clothes.

Diaper Size:

2

Eating:

Alex still prefers breast above all else, however he will drink expressed breast milk if I am not around.  We have also started solids.  Which I think was an awesome choice.  His tummy problems seem to be a bit better than they were before.  He will pretty much eat anything we throw at him which is awesome.  As of right now he has fruit mixed with rice cereal for breakfast and dinner.  He gets a vegetable at lunch.  Alex is also still taking his prilosec.

Sleep:

What's that?

In the beginning of the month, Alex was doing really well at night time.  Going down about 730 and sleeping until 330, nursing, and then waking up for good about 530/6 am.  But then we had a really bad week where he was up every hour or so.  I finally figured out that he was rolling all over the place and waking himself up.  So I hit Target and bought some larger "SwaddleMe" blankets.  That has seemed to solve our problem.

Naps are another story.  Most days he takes 3 to 4 short naps.  Other days he will take some really good long naps.  

Milestones:

rolling from back to tummy, rolling from tummy to back, grasping everything within reach, recognizes Mike, Evan, and I.

Firsts:

Valentine's Day (spent at doctor appointments...yay!), cousin Harper sleeping over, playing with Betty (uncle Joe's dog who I forever want to call Molly)

Life with Alex:

Oh boy!  Mr. Alex is one loud, demanding, active little thing.  When he is happy, he is fabulous.  Generous with his smiles, giggles, and coos.  When he's not happy, nothing will make him happy.  Seriously.  I don't know how many days, Mike and I have spent hours upon hours trying to calm a very distraught Alex.  I'm holding out hope that one day, he'll make a turn and become an easy baby.  (but honestly, I'm not holding my breath)

Alex does love his brother.  He watches Evan all the time.  If he could crawl already, he would be chasing Evan around.  It's so fun to watch the relationship between Evan and Alex develop.  We attempted to put them in the same room - but then we started having the sleep issues with Alex so for now he remains in our room.  I'll probably attempt to put them in the same room again in a week or two.

He loves music and especially when I sing to him so we spend most of our days listening to music while I sing to him.  He prefers to have us hold him so he is standing versus us propping him up so he can sit.  I think he just likes the vantage point he gets from being up higher.  He's fallen in love with some creepy singing dog he got for Christmas and is constantly chewing on it or his fingers or toes.

Oh how I love him...

{ happy 4 months alexander! }

{ I can't believe he's 4 months already! }

Nicknames ::  Alex, billy goat, scooter, fussy bucket, drool bucket, little one, baby, chunk-a-monk, and Evan has started calling him "bug"

Diaper Size :: size two

Clothing ::  some 3 month clothes, some 6 month clothes

Firsts ::  Toys for Tots shopping, Christmas, ear infection

Food ::  Nurses or expressed breast milk.  We tried to move him to a hypo allergic formula since he's been having very painful gas and increased bouts of colic.  Absolutely refuses - turns up his nose and refuses the bottle.  We've just given up and have continued to nurse and give expressed breast milk - we just make sure he gets gas drops right after - it has seemed to help.  Luckily we are also going to start solids next month in hopes that might help with his tummy troubles.

Life with Alexander ::  oh what a month!  This poor baby can't catch a break.  He's had 2 back to back ear infections.  First a double ear infection, and then just in his right ear second time.  I'm hoping that once we finish this round of antibiotics we will be done with ear infections.  period.  

The inlaws finally experienced what we've been experienced since bring Alex home.  Inconsolable crying for 4 hours or more.  I took him into urgent care after I left work early only to be told we have a very healthy baby - except for the ear infection that was resolving.  yay.

It hasn't all be bad.  Alex sure has a demanding personality and mommy issues.  It's pretty entertaining.  He's been giggling more and Mike just can't wait for him to start belly laughing.  He has also started to reach out for us.  Especially Evan.  (which Evan loves)  He also loves to face-scoot a couple inches when on his tummy.  He is also obsessed with a lantern toy that he got for Christmas.  He either has his hands in his mouth or on his feet - which seem to also always be in his mouth too.  In his perfect world I would hold him and talk to him all day while he has his fingers & toes in his mouth - while nursing and while his lantern is singing some song that is now constantly stuck in my head.

Although this month has been a hard one - I'm hoping next month will be better!

More pictures of my littlest buddy.  

{ 26 weeks....and 3 days }

{ 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant :: 6.21.12 }

This week I had another prenatal checkup appointment, and had my glucose test for gestational diabetes.  I'm not to worried about failing, since I didn't have it with my first pregnancy.  The drink was okay...I would have much rather had the orange pop kind that I had when I was pregnant with Evan instead of watered down fruit punch I drank this time.  Otherwise, Alex hid from the doctor while she was trying to find his heartbeat...which she eventually found and I wasn't all too worried since he was kicking me the whole time she was looking for it, and my belly is measuring on target if not a little big.

Alex is super active.  I get punches and kicks all through the day, and according to Mike, all night long too.  At least if he's having a party at night, I can sleep through it.  This past week it's getting harder to bend over and pick up after the tornado that is Evan.   So I've been relying heavily on his chore chart and allowance to bribe teach him to pick up after himself.

Next week is going to be a long week.  Evan is turning 6 on Monday and on Thursday we go back to MFM to check on Alex's kidney.  I'm crossing my fingers that this will be our last appointment with MFM.  But I guess we'll see.  Either case, I'm looking forward to getting another sneak peek at Alex.  I'm just hoping that he'll be willing to play along to get the pictures that they need.

{ we finally have a name }

Naming this baby has been challenge.  We went through books, internet searches, and heck, even some of our favorite movies and TV shows for ideas.  We would agree on a name and then the next day (heck, even an hour later) one of us would decide that maybe that wasn't the best name in the world.  We wanted a strong name.  I was concerned that with names that were "unisex" simply because they always seemed way to girly to me.  I got the point where I gave Mike an ultimatum.  I had picked out a name and I was sticking with it unless he could come up with something better that we could agree to.

Part of me wonders why this naming process was so difficult.  Evan's name was easy.  I had come up with two, and gave Mike the choice between the two.  While he now admits that he didn't think that "Evan" went well with our last name, he couldn't picture Evan named anything else.

I have in part been more detached to this pregnancy.  Yes, I love that I'm pregnant and thank God for every kick, punch, roll, and hiccup.  But since the miscarriage I was just waiting for something to go wrong.  I was ignorant when it came to pregnancy.  We conceived so quickly with Evan and Charlie, it wasn't until I was on the phone before going to the emergency room to confirm that I was losing Charlie that I found out that it wasn't a matter of getting pregnant in our family, it was a matter of staying that way.

My Grandmother had gone through 6 miscarriages (she also had 5 children).  My mom had gone through 1 miscarriage (she had 4 of us).  We used to laugh and joke that we as "Wagstaff" women would get pregnant just by having our husbands look at us crooked.  How I wish I had known the truth.

After the miscarriage, I knew it may take us months to conceive.  We were lucky that it only took us 2 months. This pregnancy has been fairly textbook.  Hyperemesis that was solved thankfully to Zofran (and while I don't experience "morning sickness" as severe, I still am fairly nauseated in the morning.)  Hip pain and nerve irritation has been helped by PT, ice packs, and massage.  Plus it helps that baby is fairly active to the point where he dances constantly in my tummy to reassure me he's alive and kicking.

However, hearing that baby has an issue with his kidney hasn't helped us come up with a name or ease my cautiousness about this pregnancy.  I know from what we've been told that he will be just fine.  Whether it is from his own body figuring itself out or being corrected by surgery a couple months after he is born.  We had hoped to move before baby made his appearance, we're waiting to hear the results from a followup ultrasound in a couple of weeks to see which direction we're headed.  We're hoping for the best, but I fully expect to be talking to a urologist to develop a game plan.

Regardless of my hesitation, I'm so excited for this baby to join our family.  I'm preparing for a big, healthy baby (well...as healthy as he can be with extra fluid in his kidney).  And thankfully we can now cross naming this baby off our list.  I had originally planned to keep the name a secret until he was born...however, we made the mistake in telling Evan and well...we figured it would be best to let the cat out of the bag.

So baby will now be known as...

or  Alex.  or  ABC.  (it wasn't until we agreed on Alexander that we realized that his initals will be ABC)  I had originally decided baby's name would be Brooks Alexander, but Mike said he liked the name just not the order, so we flipped it.  

We only have a little more than 14 weeks before Alex makes his appearance.  I'm excited and itchy to meet him.  I want him to bake as long as possible, and get healthy and strong.  

{ profound words :: on my heart }

{ profile of our newest little man }

Mike and I were sitting in our van.  We had just called both of our moms to let them know the good news about baby.  We're were having another boy and he's as healthy as can be expected and big.  Then Mike turned to me and said,

"God knew we needed another boy, that's why he's given us one"

Those words have been swirling around in my head ever since.  God knew we needed this baby.  This particular baby boy.  I know that if we hadn't had a miscarriage in August, this baby, this beautiful baby that is growing beneath my heart, would not be apart of our family. 

My heart hasn't fully healed from the loss of Charlie.  At times I feel like I shouldn't be sad or upset about it.  Like my pain isn't valid because it was such an early loss.  I never held my baby.  Never knew if Charlie was a boy or girl.  I never even felt Charlie move or heard Charlie's heartbeat.  Our loss isn't talked about much, if at all.  Mike and I talk about it from time to time, normally in passing.  I do wonder if the loss of sibling was why Evan happened to name a new stuffed eagle Charlie.

I tried not to rush into get pregnant again.  The urge to having another baby in our family was always there in the couple of months that we waited.  But I knew that we needed time to heal.  I needed the time.  I needed to prepare myself if and when we got pregnant again, that we could be looking at another loss.

We're lucky that's not the case.  Every time I've heard this baby's heartbeat or seen him on the ultrasound monitor I have felt relief.  Every time I've been too sick to drag myself out of bed or felt this baby squirreling around I have said a prayer of thanks.  God knew we needed him in our lives.  In this moment.  I have waited for this baby for almost 5 years and will only have to wait another 19 weeks and 2 days before being able to hold this beautiful blessing we have been given.

I'm not sure what prompted my husband to say those precious words to me, but I am thankful for them.  They are what I needed to hear in that exact moment to know that I wasn't alone in my thoughts about this pregnancy.  I love that my husband talks to my belly constantly and waits patiently to feel him move (he hasn't yet...but I'm sure as baby starts to grow, he'll be able to).

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father that he's blessed us with another son.  Because He knew this is what we needed.

{ it's a.... }

Today, we got another look at Baby.  I was so excited especially to find out what what Baby was.  Simply because it makes everything much easier, well, at least I think it does...

So...

We were quite surprised...but so very happy to announce that we're having a...

 

We've done boys before...I know what I'm getting into.  I was told by my father in law that this means that I now have the minority vote...if only he knew.  I may be the only girl...but I'm more stubborn than all of them.

It's also awesome because I'm hoping I will no longer get flack about the boys sharing a room.  I had said before we knew what Baby was that the baby and Evan would most likely be sharing a room.  Now, they definitely are.  But at lunch today, Evan and I agreed on a Retro Marvel Comic Super Hero room.  Think Captain America, Iron Man, Wolverine, Spider Man and the Hulk.  I've tracked down the posters and fabric and will start on bedding for the both of them and a couple of things for baby.

No.  We don't have a name yet.  We've thrown around a couple and to be honest, I'm thinking we might keep the name to ourselves anyways.  Our moms believe that we should name little boy after Mike.  I've already put a stop to that...although I'm sure I'll still hear more about it as we get closer to September...

But here are some more pictures of our newest little man...

{ profile }

{ face }

{ foot }

p.s.  Funny story about the foot picture...when the tech first started the ultrasound, little boy had his feet over his head.  Pretty much folded in half.  A couple minutes he eventually tucked his feet under his bottom...but he sure was squirrely.



{ oh what a day! }

Today we got another listen to Baby Little.  Because Mr. Little was off from school, we brought him along with us.  We figured he would get a kick out of hearing the baby's heartbeat.  He found it extremely funny when Baby Little kept "running" away from the doctor and then once the doctor had baby cornered...baby proceeded to let the doctor know that Baby wasn't a fan by kicking her.

While we were there we scheduled our ultrasound (in 2 weeks) and our C-Section.  I'm super excited now know exactly when Baby Little will join our family and to find out in what will probably be 2 very long weeks, if Baby Little is a boy or girl.

After the OB appointment, we headed off to the school district to get Mr. Little officially registered for Kindergarten.  It took way longer to figure out where we where we needed to go then it needed to, but we finally figured it out.  I'm excited for Mr. Little to start "real" school.  He'll be going to all day kindergarten.  We finally decided to get him registered for the school district we currently live in since I happened to look at our lease agreement and found out that our lease doesn't end until August 31st, and since that is so close to my due date, we may wait a month or two after we've had baby to move.  We've also been looking at houses to rent instead of rental town homes.  I love the idea of having the kiddos being able to run around out in a backyard.

But that wasn't the end of our day...

We still had Mr. Little's last conference appointment as a preschooler.  He only has 16 more days at his preschool before he's done for the summer and then moves onto Kindergarten.  He has grown so much since he entered GDK in Rosemount.  I have loved every single one of his teachers and it's so fun to see how much he's grown since the beginning of the year.  He still hasn't picked a hand.  However he never switches it consistently...a couple of days or weeks he'll write with his right hand, and then all a sudden he'll switch it up.  It's kinda of funny each day to see which hand he'll use.  And if he really turns out to be ambidextrous...more power to him.

{ 13 weeks }

Happy 13 weeks, Baby Little!

Holy buckets am I excited that you have made it this far.  We have 27 more weeks until we get to meet you...and I can't wait to hold you for the very first time.  Here in a few more weeks, we'll get another peek at you and see if you are a boy or a girl.  To be honest...I just want you healthy.  But Daddy and I are kinda thinking you might be a girl this time.  If you are a boy...I'll totally take that too.  We've done boys before...we know what we're getting into.  Either case, you'll be ours and totally and completely loved by us.

I'm excited to hear your heartbeat again on Thursday.  Because of what happened last time, hearing your heartbeat gives me comfort.  Because I know that you are there.  Alive and kicking.  As soon as I can feel your kicks, I'm sure I'll feel better about everything.  (yes...you making me completely and utterly sick and miserable due to morning sickness has given me some comfort...but honestly...can we be done with that now?)

Baby Little, you are totally and completely loved by me and your Daddy (and your brother too, he says good night to you every night).  I've waited over 5 years for you, and you have been well worth the wait.  I'm counting down the weeks until we get to finally meet you and come closer to completing our little family.  (but seriously...if you are a boy...it's going to probably make baby #3 our last...but then again...probably not ;))

{ dear littles... }

{ rainy day }

Dear Littles,

I've been thinking about you both recently.  I'm not sure if it's because we're going closer to when Charlie should have made his or her appearance or the fact that I'm so full of hormones that I go from extremely happy to crying in 2.0 seconds.  I'm just going to assume it's both.  There are big changes coming our way, littles.   Daddy's schedule is changing and will hopefully change again soon so he'll be home during the day.  But for now I'll take the fact that he'll be home an extra day.  We're growing closer to moving.  I'm itchy for it.  We still can't really do much of anything for another 2 months, but we're looking.

Mr. Little, I'm so proud of you.  You have been such a good helper the past couple of weeks while your sister or brother has made life a bit more interesting for mommy.  You have so much to look forward too.  You're graduating preschool in a couple months, getting registered for kindergarten, and starting school in September.  This summer I have plans for you.  Hopefully soccer and skating lessons so you can get ready to play hockey in the winter. Your uncle will be so happy to see you in skates.  Believe me...since the moment you made your appearance, he's been counting down the days until he could see you play hockey.

Baby Little, I'm gonna ask that we please, please take a break from the morning sickness.  I know the doctor gave me Zofran, but still.  (However, I am so pleased to be so very sick...it means things are going the way they should)  On Monday, you'll be 12 weeks along.  Only 28 more until we get to meet you.  Your daddy and I are so excited.  Mr. Little is very excited to.  We've started collecting things for you.  He just loves to help pick them out.

My littles...I love you both.  The start of this year has sure thrown me for a loop, but I finally feel like we're getting somewhere.  You both give me peace and happiness and I look forward to all the adventures we have coming our way...