{ TGBTL :: Life now }

It's that time of week again and I'm joining TGBTL with Lauren and Hayley.

 

 

This Week's Prompt: We all imagined what our lives would like like when we were "all grown up"... how does that compare to what your life looks like now?

 Last night I laid in bed with my husband, listening to the quiet of our small apartment and asked him if the life we have now was what he thought his life would be like.  He said both yes and no.  While where we are in life, still living in our first apartment and him just now returning to school wasn't the plan...me and the boys were always apart of his picture what his life plan.

I, on the other hand, looking back to where I thought I would be at this time 11 years ago as I was finishing my senior year in high school, was completely different.  The plan had been to go the North Dakota and obtain a double major in Biomedical Sciences and Lab Technology so I could work through med school.  I had planned on working with a horse trainer and to help train a few of the horses she had as an undergraduate.  I thought at the time I would marry my then boyfriend and have a huge family since both of us came from large families.

But life happened.  I needed a knee surgery and which kept me from working with horses for a few years.  I learned that the person who I though would spend the rest of my life with, wasn't the person I thought he was and our relationship was extremely unhealthy.  I, then, gave the one boy who I never thought things would ever work out a chance and ended up engaged within 3 months of us dating.  And while I never did finish my degree because I moved home and married and started a family, I'm not all that sad about it.

I look at where I am now and love where I am.  I found a home in my husband and children.  The home I had been looking for since my parents divorced.  I look at the rest of my life and see the possibilities.  I still have time to finish a degree in the healthcare field when it's time.  Horses will always play a roll in my life, especially since I know quite a few women in their 80's who still get out there and run barrels like no other.  I still see at least one more baby if not more, Mike and I had always agreed on a large family.  And I really couldn't see spending my life with anyone else than the man who is still right next to me watching police dash cam videos on YouTube. 

{ i'm not loving you right }

Sitting in a cold room in church, huddled with a few other ladies, listening to the speaker about how to we all love differently, it hit me.  I have not been loving my husband the right way.  Or at least the way he feels loved the most.

On Thursday, while it was brutally cold here in MN, I gathered with a handful of church ladies to hear a therapist speak on the 5 love languages.  I'm so glad I braved the elements and attended.  It hit me hard as her words spoke to my heart and I could immediately understand why Mike and I have had most of the fights that we have had.

We each feel loved in completely different ways.  We try to show each other love in different ways, and they don't match up.  For example, Mike loves to try to surprise me with gifts.  I'm not a very good gift receiver.  For me, gifts aren't always freely given and I'm not exactly sure how to reciprocate.  As well as, my idea of gift or surprise is Mike planning an evening for us without me having to make phone calls for babysitters or figuring out what restaurant to eat at or movie to see.  As petty as it sounds, it has started epic fights because I don't react the way I know Mike hopes that I will.  I have been trying to be better in receiving his gifts and understanding that he's just trying to shower me with his love and make sure that I have pretty things.

It also opened my eyes to how I feel loved the most, and now I feel like I can better communicate to Mike what I need from our relationship to feel loved best by him.

I do hope that by reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that Mike and I will be able to better communicate to each other how we each feel loved best and do our best to show each other our love by speaking in that language.

{ only temporary }

Last night was a bad one.  horrible.  It was almost like having a newborn again who was suffering from colic.  restless and cranky.  At the time I sighed and tried to concentrate on the small body in my lap and told myself this is only temporary.  Even though I'm so overwhelmed in it all that I can't even begin to think of time where I won't spend a good portion of my night on the lounge chair with a restless toddler on my lap attempting to sleep.

The past few weeks have been terrible.  Alex has clued in to the uneasy stress that Mike and I have been dealing with from day to day just trying to figure out our next steps.  This has led to EPIC tantrums that last hours where I can't do anything but cling onto the small crying body of Alex and hum songs in hopes he'll calm down.  When we get home after long days, Alex won't let me out of his sight and screams if I even begin to think about making dinner for the family.   Instead of being excited for the few hours I have to play with the boys...even before I get to daycare to get the boys I'm counting down the hours before it's bedtime.

I'm trying to remember if Evan was this way.  It was only two years ago before Evan began routinely sleeping through the night.  I don't think it was ever this bad.  I also was at home more.  Evan was barely in daycare if at all before his preschool years, and now both boys are gone all day.

I often wonder if I'm making the right decisions. If putting in the extra hours to make ends meet and give my husband time to start feeling his way through school is really worth it in the end?  I know it is.  I know that 2 years is really just a short time and will pass more quickly than I realize.  But I hate that Alex is so worked up.  That instead of spending the day at play dates and mommy groups, I'm at work.

Already tonight I'm on edge.  Although it's quiet and both boys are in bed, I'm not sure how long it will last.  I plead that tonight both boys sleep.  That Alex is comfortable and barely makes a peep.  But if not, I'll be on the lounge again, with his warm body curled on my lap and I stroke his hair, telling myself this is only temporary.  And to treasure this time.  And hope that in a few years I'll forget the epic tantrums and mommy issues and just remember the moments in the middle of the night where it only seems like Alex and I exist.

{ new adventures }

This morning was spent at a doctor appointment and researching scholarships for Mike.  In just 2 months Mike will be going back to school to attain his degree in law enforcement.  Mike finally decided that he wanted to work for the DNR as a conservation officer.  Mike has always wanted to work for law enforcement, but I figured he would follow in either his grandfather's or father's footsteps, and work for MN State Patrol or at the county level.

But I'm excited he's finally made a decision.  Being outside and in nature would do Mike's soul some good especially since his breakdown.  But it also means that once he finishes his degree (most likely in 2 and a half years) we won't be in the Twin Cities.  It would mean going north or south, and leaving the safety net of having so much of Mike's family so close.  But a move where we are on our own seems exciting.

However, I'm a little itchy about what Mike going back to school means for us.  It means even less time together.  It means late nights helping Mike to study and making sure he has all the tools he needs to be successful.  It means I might be a "single" parent most nights.  And what little time we have together we need to make sure we spend it together.

But in all my hesitance.  I'm ready.  I'm ready for Mike to attain his dreams and succeed.  I'm ready for that meaning finally (hopefully) home ownership and having more babies (well at least one).  I'm ready for that meaning that I could cut my hours and be stay home more with the boys and eventually attaining my degree in nursing or becoming a PA.

So here's to new adventures and jumping in feet first!

{ remembering charlie }

I don't talk much about Charlie anymore.  Charlie's estimated due date and dates related to the loss of Charlie pass without fanfare.  But I remember.  I feel the pang of the loss.  I feel on those days my heart was ripped out and someone is missing.

Charlie was wanted and was planned.  From the moment we started trying for Charlie, we were dreaming of what it would be like to have 2 children, if we would have another boy, or a girl this time, and all the other possibilities that comes with welcoming a new baby into our family.

Instead those dreams and plans ended all to quickly.  We never heard Charlie's heartbeat. Never found out if Charlie was a boy or a girl.  Never held Charlie.  Never smelled that sweet new baby smell.  And there was nothing we could do about it.

So today is for you sweet Charlie.  We remember you.  And miss you.  I know that you are looking down on us and sent us your brother Alexander.  I know that one day we'll meet and I'll get all the time I missed with you.

{ you've survived 385 days }

{alex @ 6 days old }

Dear Mr. Alex,

You're first birthday was 3 weeks ago.  And in spite of a lot of things, you survived.  You've proven you are a force to be wrecked with and anyone that calls you meek and mild really doesn't have a clue.

{ me & my boys }

You are wild, crazy, and seem to think that the laws of gravity and physics don't apply to you.  After your hairline skull fracture and minor concussion and I can tell we have stitches and broken bones in your future.  You are stubborn, impulsive, and have no fear.  This has led to accident after accident.  In fact your daycare no longer calls me for every bump and bruise and a day without an incident report is a good day.

{ evan & alex }

You are also so very brave.  Going through test after test for your hydronephrosis.  You laid perfectly still for an hour both at 2 months and then at 10 months for your renogram.  You've aced ultrasounds and other imaging.  You were a champ through your surgery for tubes, and have mastered how to handle ear pain from all your ear infections.

{ daddy & alex }

You are incredible sweet.  Freely giving out hugs and kisses to all of us.  We love your cuddles and your big goofy grins hidden behind your nuks.  You are smart.  You have figured out how to pop open baby gates and how to get onto furniture by pushing pillows or stools next to whatever you want to climb on.  While you still haven't figured sleep out (your brother at that age hadn't either) you eat like I can't even believe, with blueberries (berries) and pancakes being your favorite.  Although you seem to think that whatever we eat or drink we really should be sharing with you.

{ our family }

I love calling you mine, Mr. Alex.  You are one heck of a one year old.  I can't even imagine all the grey hairs you are going to give your father and me through out the years. 

Love you to the moon and back,

mommy

{  happy birthday! }

{ his timing }

I had found this quote on pinterest and laughed.

Earlier in the day I had found myself kneeling in our room pouring my heart out to our Heavenly Father with tears streaming down my face.  

We had finally received some good news on Mike's unemployment appeal and he was getting his first pay check from his new employer.  Our financial issues were going to be settled and we would be caught up on all of our bills and could start fresh with October working on Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace baby steps.  But then I checked our account and his paycheck had not been deposited.  Mike called to see when we would receive the partial payment we had been granted from unemployment had was told he was ineligible because a form was never filled out - they would send another one and then we MAY receive something but it was highly unlikely.

At that point I was broken.  I had held on to hope and prayers, knowing that if we could just get through the roughest parts of the past few months, we would be okay.  We've began repairing our broken marriage.  We spent more time as family.  God and faith became regular topics of discussion in our home again.  I had felt like we were finally finding our footing and could see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. 

My battered heart and soul couldn't anymore.  Being positive and believing something, anything good would happen disappeared, and then I began to plead with Heavenly Father.  With a broken heart and tears streaming down my face I prayed.  For relieve (even in the tiniest degree).  For faith.  For love.  For comfort.  For knowledge that He has a plan and soon I will see.

...and after my pleading I felt peace and comfort.  I still had no idea how I was going to pay bills, put gas in our cars, and feed our children.  But I felt like it was all going to be okay.  

And it is.

Not on my time or even my way.

But in His time and His way.

{ fall }

{ source }

I can’t believe that it’s September 1^st already. I have been so busy with one tragedy after another that I haven’t had a moment to look up, and now that I have, I can’t believe summer is already gone.  I had such hope for our summer being filled with parks, lazy evening walks, and one activity after another.  Instead it was filled with hospital stays, doctor appointments, job loss and drastic changes to how we operate as a family (for the better, in time).

But I have always liked the coming of September.  It’s another new start to the year, full of its own promises and dreams.  And after the summer we've had…I can only hope that these changes are for good and we can finally find our footing as individuals, a couple, and a family.

{ brothers :: a photo montague }

 Evan and Alex have an interesting relationship.  It's been fun to watch it grow.  Alex loves watching his big brother and is starting to get really get interested in whatever Evan is doing...whether or not Evan really wants him to.

 

But Evan is a really good big brother.  Always making sure Alex has a nuk, bottle or toy.

 

They just love each other and it just warms my heart!

 

 

{ Alex is 5 months...a lot late }

Nicknames:

Billy goat, fuss bucket, drool bucket, chunk-a-monk, little one, roll-e-poll-e

Evan calls him either bug or bud.

Weight:

15 lbs 7 oz

Clothes:

Finally packed away the last of the 3 mo clothes.  Totally in 6 mo clothes.

Diaper Size:

2

Eating:

Alex still prefers breast above all else, however he will drink expressed breast milk if I am not around.  We have also started solids.  Which I think was an awesome choice.  His tummy problems seem to be a bit better than they were before.  He will pretty much eat anything we throw at him which is awesome.  As of right now he has fruit mixed with rice cereal for breakfast and dinner.  He gets a vegetable at lunch.  Alex is also still taking his prilosec.

Sleep:

What's that?

In the beginning of the month, Alex was doing really well at night time.  Going down about 730 and sleeping until 330, nursing, and then waking up for good about 530/6 am.  But then we had a really bad week where he was up every hour or so.  I finally figured out that he was rolling all over the place and waking himself up.  So I hit Target and bought some larger "SwaddleMe" blankets.  That has seemed to solve our problem.

Naps are another story.  Most days he takes 3 to 4 short naps.  Other days he will take some really good long naps.  

Milestones:

rolling from back to tummy, rolling from tummy to back, grasping everything within reach, recognizes Mike, Evan, and I.

Firsts:

Valentine's Day (spent at doctor appointments...yay!), cousin Harper sleeping over, playing with Betty (uncle Joe's dog who I forever want to call Molly)

Life with Alex:

Oh boy!  Mr. Alex is one loud, demanding, active little thing.  When he is happy, he is fabulous.  Generous with his smiles, giggles, and coos.  When he's not happy, nothing will make him happy.  Seriously.  I don't know how many days, Mike and I have spent hours upon hours trying to calm a very distraught Alex.  I'm holding out hope that one day, he'll make a turn and become an easy baby.  (but honestly, I'm not holding my breath)

Alex does love his brother.  He watches Evan all the time.  If he could crawl already, he would be chasing Evan around.  It's so fun to watch the relationship between Evan and Alex develop.  We attempted to put them in the same room - but then we started having the sleep issues with Alex so for now he remains in our room.  I'll probably attempt to put them in the same room again in a week or two.

He loves music and especially when I sing to him so we spend most of our days listening to music while I sing to him.  He prefers to have us hold him so he is standing versus us propping him up so he can sit.  I think he just likes the vantage point he gets from being up higher.  He's fallen in love with some creepy singing dog he got for Christmas and is constantly chewing on it or his fingers or toes.

Oh how I love him...

{ my boys }

Dear littles,

oh how I love the both of you.  each for your own reasons & most importantly because you are mine (& your dad's).

mr. evan...

You aren't unnoticed.  Sometimes I know that you feel that way.  Especially since you are more self reliant.  You are an awesome big brother.  An amazing helper.  You are special and unique, and don't ever forget that.  and even when it seems like we don't notice those quiet times when you are doing good - we notice.

i love that you love school so much.  i love that each day you get home and you can't wait to tell us about your day.  (& report that you haven't gone to the nurse's office that day)  Know that I love hearing about those moments.  I treasure your stories - even when I'm exhausted and completely drained.


mr. alex...

you've had such a difficult month.  both your daddy and i are trying so hard to figure out what is going on with that small body of yours.  (& we hate being told nothing is wrong when something most definitely seems to be going on).

regardless, i love how chunky your cheeks and thighs are getting.  seriously...i'm in love with your fat rolls.  i love that you "talk" at us each and every time you get to.  you're reaching out for us & a giggling more.  even though at times i really wish that you would just sleep - i love that you still prefer to nurse at night.  that time is just for you and me, and i will most definitely miss it when you wean.

oh boys...i love you.  completely.  totally.  forever & for always.

{ i will be your home }

I will be your home...

I will be your guide...

I will be your friend...

always on your side....

- "Night Mantra" by Renee & Jeremy

As those words played on Pandora, tears stung the back of my eyes.  For whatever reason - those words tugged at my heart.  It was as if I was being reminded by my Heavenly Father what motherhood is all about.

He entrusted me with two beautiful boys.  To create a loving & peaceful home - full of joy, laughter, and happy memories.  To guide them through this earthy adventure.  To teach them & help them become the men they have the potential to be.  To love them completely & totally.  & to have them that regardless of what they do I will be there to love them & support them unconditionally.

I have been struggling.  Learning how to still be the mom Evan needs me to be & how to become the mom Alex needs me to be has left me grasping at straws.  Most days I do okay - I know I could do better - be better.  Other days my patience is gone 30 seconds after rolling out of bed - & I just snap at whoever or whatever happens to be in my path.  In those times, I feel like a horrible mom & need to take a moment to regroup.  Remind myself it will all be okay & try to enjoy the crazy mess that being a mom to a 6 year old & 8 week old is.

I hope to very soon have those words on canvases over Alex's crib to help remind me in those times when I'm losing my mind & my patience is all by shot - That I am their home.  their guide.  their friend.  always on their side.  & so much more -

because I'm their mom.

{ <3 you two }

{ profound words :: on my heart }

{ profile of our newest little man }

Mike and I were sitting in our van.  We had just called both of our moms to let them know the good news about baby.  We're were having another boy and he's as healthy as can be expected and big.  Then Mike turned to me and said,

"God knew we needed another boy, that's why he's given us one"

Those words have been swirling around in my head ever since.  God knew we needed this baby.  This particular baby boy.  I know that if we hadn't had a miscarriage in August, this baby, this beautiful baby that is growing beneath my heart, would not be apart of our family. 

My heart hasn't fully healed from the loss of Charlie.  At times I feel like I shouldn't be sad or upset about it.  Like my pain isn't valid because it was such an early loss.  I never held my baby.  Never knew if Charlie was a boy or girl.  I never even felt Charlie move or heard Charlie's heartbeat.  Our loss isn't talked about much, if at all.  Mike and I talk about it from time to time, normally in passing.  I do wonder if the loss of sibling was why Evan happened to name a new stuffed eagle Charlie.

I tried not to rush into get pregnant again.  The urge to having another baby in our family was always there in the couple of months that we waited.  But I knew that we needed time to heal.  I needed the time.  I needed to prepare myself if and when we got pregnant again, that we could be looking at another loss.

We're lucky that's not the case.  Every time I've heard this baby's heartbeat or seen him on the ultrasound monitor I have felt relief.  Every time I've been too sick to drag myself out of bed or felt this baby squirreling around I have said a prayer of thanks.  God knew we needed him in our lives.  In this moment.  I have waited for this baby for almost 5 years and will only have to wait another 19 weeks and 2 days before being able to hold this beautiful blessing we have been given.

I'm not sure what prompted my husband to say those precious words to me, but I am thankful for them.  They are what I needed to hear in that exact moment to know that I wasn't alone in my thoughts about this pregnancy.  I love that my husband talks to my belly constantly and waits patiently to feel him move (he hasn't yet...but I'm sure as baby starts to grow, he'll be able to).

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father that he's blessed us with another son.  Because He knew this is what we needed.