{ all by myself }

A few weeks ago we had our bishop come over to visit with his lovely wife.  He mainly wanted to check in and see how we were doing as well as give us the soft reminder that Evan is getting closer to becoming baptized next year.  And then the next day I had a visit from the sister missionaries who were just assigned to our ward.  I shared my fears of bring the boys by myself to church and if was it really worth it if I spent a majority of the time walking circles around the church with a 14 month old who wouldn't possibly sit still.  But I promised I would try.

The morning was hectic.  Chaotic even.  My husband kissed me and reminded me that I didn't need to bring them by myself.  I could easily wait for another time when Mike would accompany me.  But my answer was I did need to do this, because there are going to be weeks when Mike won't be able to attend with me and both boys need to be in church to feel the spirit of our Heavenly Father.

While I parked, I still had my doubts about how this was going to go.  However, it went well.  I was invited to sit with another one of the sisters in the ward who helped manage the boys (really just to watch Evan when I needed to give Alex a "running" break) and both boys behaved as well as I could have hoped for.  After sacrament, Evan went off to primary, leaving me with just Alex, and we spent most of our time the second hour walking the hallways.  I ran into a lot of my old youth leaders and parents of those who I attended youth groups with.  It was so nice to catch up with them.

Eventually I conned Alex into a nap, and he napped for most of the third hour allowing me to sit through Relief Society without much trouble.  I still feel odd sitting there.  I am one of the youngest women in our ward and I still haven't figured out how I fit into our church community.  But I'm hoping by showing up when I can that I will be able to.

I'm surprised how well it all went.  It boosted my confidence, not only in being able to manage my two crazy boys, but that the women of the ward will stand by me and give me a hand.  And I really couldn't ask for more.

{ brothers :: a photo montague }

 Evan and Alex have an interesting relationship.  It's been fun to watch it grow.  Alex loves watching his big brother and is starting to get really get interested in whatever Evan is doing...whether or not Evan really wants him to.

 

But Evan is a really good big brother.  Always making sure Alex has a nuk, bottle or toy.

 

They just love each other and it just warms my heart!

 

 

{ my boys }

Dear littles,

oh how I love the both of you.  each for your own reasons & most importantly because you are mine (& your dad's).

mr. evan...

You aren't unnoticed.  Sometimes I know that you feel that way.  Especially since you are more self reliant.  You are an awesome big brother.  An amazing helper.  You are special and unique, and don't ever forget that.  and even when it seems like we don't notice those quiet times when you are doing good - we notice.

i love that you love school so much.  i love that each day you get home and you can't wait to tell us about your day.  (& report that you haven't gone to the nurse's office that day)  Know that I love hearing about those moments.  I treasure your stories - even when I'm exhausted and completely drained.


mr. alex...

you've had such a difficult month.  both your daddy and i are trying so hard to figure out what is going on with that small body of yours.  (& we hate being told nothing is wrong when something most definitely seems to be going on).

regardless, i love how chunky your cheeks and thighs are getting.  seriously...i'm in love with your fat rolls.  i love that you "talk" at us each and every time you get to.  you're reaching out for us & a giggling more.  even though at times i really wish that you would just sleep - i love that you still prefer to nurse at night.  that time is just for you and me, and i will most definitely miss it when you wean.

oh boys...i love you.  completely.  totally.  forever & for always.

{ i will be your home }

I will be your home...

I will be your guide...

I will be your friend...

always on your side....

- "Night Mantra" by Renee & Jeremy

As those words played on Pandora, tears stung the back of my eyes.  For whatever reason - those words tugged at my heart.  It was as if I was being reminded by my Heavenly Father what motherhood is all about.

He entrusted me with two beautiful boys.  To create a loving & peaceful home - full of joy, laughter, and happy memories.  To guide them through this earthy adventure.  To teach them & help them become the men they have the potential to be.  To love them completely & totally.  & to have them that regardless of what they do I will be there to love them & support them unconditionally.

I have been struggling.  Learning how to still be the mom Evan needs me to be & how to become the mom Alex needs me to be has left me grasping at straws.  Most days I do okay - I know I could do better - be better.  Other days my patience is gone 30 seconds after rolling out of bed - & I just snap at whoever or whatever happens to be in my path.  In those times, I feel like a horrible mom & need to take a moment to regroup.  Remind myself it will all be okay & try to enjoy the crazy mess that being a mom to a 6 year old & 8 week old is.

I hope to very soon have those words on canvases over Alex's crib to help remind me in those times when I'm losing my mind & my patience is all by shot - That I am their home.  their guide.  their friend.  always on their side.  & so much more -

because I'm their mom.

{ <3 you two }

{ what have I gotten myself into }

{ oh boy }

All I can say is "HOLY CRAP!  What in the world did I get myself into!"  It was baptism by fire today.  Evan was sick all night with a 101 fever so we kept him home from kindergarten today.  So instead of sending one away on the bus for a good solid part of the day,  I had two boys home today and since Mike returned to work today, he needed to get some extra  sleep before being up all night at work.

So it was me.  Only me.  With a overactive, 6 year old who doesn't understand when you're sick...you need to lay down and take it easy.  And 10 day old infant who is still trying to figure out breastfeeding even after meeting with a lactation consultant.  Believe  me it wasn't easy trying to balance the two and make sure I got a bite of food and a sip of water at some point during the day.

I knew I was going to struggle to find a balance especially during this time where we are trying to establish a regular schedule with Alex and works with Evan's schedule.  It also doesn't help that feedings for Alex can take upwards to an hour to an hour and half.  I am hopeful that once we figure out how to breastfeed better that feedings won't take nearly as long.

I also feel bad for Evan...I feel like I don't have any time for him anymore.  I try hard to make some time for just me and him even if it's 5 minutes...but it seems like Mike is taking care of him way more than I am.  And I miss the hour before bedtime with Evan.  The cuddles and reading before bed. 

This is hard.  Way harder than I thought it would be.  I know that I just have to stick it out.  It will eventually work itself out, but then of course by then I will be returning to work and then it will be a whole another transition...

::sigh::

At least my boys are cute and caffeine is awesome.