{ TGBTL :: Life now }

It's that time of week again and I'm joining TGBTL with Lauren and Hayley.

 

 

This Week's Prompt: We all imagined what our lives would like like when we were "all grown up"... how does that compare to what your life looks like now?

 Last night I laid in bed with my husband, listening to the quiet of our small apartment and asked him if the life we have now was what he thought his life would be like.  He said both yes and no.  While where we are in life, still living in our first apartment and him just now returning to school wasn't the plan...me and the boys were always apart of his picture what his life plan.

I, on the other hand, looking back to where I thought I would be at this time 11 years ago as I was finishing my senior year in high school, was completely different.  The plan had been to go the North Dakota and obtain a double major in Biomedical Sciences and Lab Technology so I could work through med school.  I had planned on working with a horse trainer and to help train a few of the horses she had as an undergraduate.  I thought at the time I would marry my then boyfriend and have a huge family since both of us came from large families.

But life happened.  I needed a knee surgery and which kept me from working with horses for a few years.  I learned that the person who I though would spend the rest of my life with, wasn't the person I thought he was and our relationship was extremely unhealthy.  I, then, gave the one boy who I never thought things would ever work out a chance and ended up engaged within 3 months of us dating.  And while I never did finish my degree because I moved home and married and started a family, I'm not all that sad about it.

I look at where I am now and love where I am.  I found a home in my husband and children.  The home I had been looking for since my parents divorced.  I look at the rest of my life and see the possibilities.  I still have time to finish a degree in the healthcare field when it's time.  Horses will always play a roll in my life, especially since I know quite a few women in their 80's who still get out there and run barrels like no other.  I still see at least one more baby if not more, Mike and I had always agreed on a large family.  And I really couldn't see spending my life with anyone else than the man who is still right next to me watching police dash cam videos on YouTube. 

{ i'm not loving you right }

Sitting in a cold room in church, huddled with a few other ladies, listening to the speaker about how to we all love differently, it hit me.  I have not been loving my husband the right way.  Or at least the way he feels loved the most.

On Thursday, while it was brutally cold here in MN, I gathered with a handful of church ladies to hear a therapist speak on the 5 love languages.  I'm so glad I braved the elements and attended.  It hit me hard as her words spoke to my heart and I could immediately understand why Mike and I have had most of the fights that we have had.

We each feel loved in completely different ways.  We try to show each other love in different ways, and they don't match up.  For example, Mike loves to try to surprise me with gifts.  I'm not a very good gift receiver.  For me, gifts aren't always freely given and I'm not exactly sure how to reciprocate.  As well as, my idea of gift or surprise is Mike planning an evening for us without me having to make phone calls for babysitters or figuring out what restaurant to eat at or movie to see.  As petty as it sounds, it has started epic fights because I don't react the way I know Mike hopes that I will.  I have been trying to be better in receiving his gifts and understanding that he's just trying to shower me with his love and make sure that I have pretty things.

It also opened my eyes to how I feel loved the most, and now I feel like I can better communicate to Mike what I need from our relationship to feel loved best by him.

I do hope that by reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that Mike and I will be able to better communicate to each other how we each feel loved best and do our best to show each other our love by speaking in that language.

{ not another marriage advice post }

You won't find any marriage tips here.  

Or advice I have pinned on my marriage board on Pinterest.

Or cute pictures of my husband and I at some recent event or photography session.

But this is where I tell you that I'm down in the trenches with you.  

Fighting for the health of my marriage, just like you.

That it's hard coming back from the brink of separation, divorce, or infidelity.

That the good days are very good and the bad days are even worse.

Where trying to get over the "what ifs", the "could've beens", the "should've beens" and learning to "love your choice" can be more difficult than you've ever thought.

But my husband is a good man.  

Who loves me dearly and is fighting for our marriage just like I am.

And it's hard. 

But I'm right here with you.

{ new adventures }

This morning was spent at a doctor appointment and researching scholarships for Mike.  In just 2 months Mike will be going back to school to attain his degree in law enforcement.  Mike finally decided that he wanted to work for the DNR as a conservation officer.  Mike has always wanted to work for law enforcement, but I figured he would follow in either his grandfather's or father's footsteps, and work for MN State Patrol or at the county level.

But I'm excited he's finally made a decision.  Being outside and in nature would do Mike's soul some good especially since his breakdown.  But it also means that once he finishes his degree (most likely in 2 and a half years) we won't be in the Twin Cities.  It would mean going north or south, and leaving the safety net of having so much of Mike's family so close.  But a move where we are on our own seems exciting.

However, I'm a little itchy about what Mike going back to school means for us.  It means even less time together.  It means late nights helping Mike to study and making sure he has all the tools he needs to be successful.  It means I might be a "single" parent most nights.  And what little time we have together we need to make sure we spend it together.

But in all my hesitance.  I'm ready.  I'm ready for Mike to attain his dreams and succeed.  I'm ready for that meaning finally (hopefully) home ownership and having more babies (well at least one).  I'm ready for that meaning that I could cut my hours and be stay home more with the boys and eventually attaining my degree in nursing or becoming a PA.

So here's to new adventures and jumping in feet first!

{ dear husband... }

Dear Husband,

On September 24th we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.  It wasn't grand by any means.  You ended up working all day and it was easier for me to just pick up so I wouldn't spend the day alone.  We exchanged cards and you surprised me with roses and promised that soon we would find a time to go out and celebrate...even if it was to a brunch or late lunch before we had to go get the boys from daycare.

 

{ my rings }

To be honest, once your seizures happened back in July, I wasn't sure we would be standing here.  You now working with a new employer that has been better for all of us, but especially you, and you are ready to take on the world (with the right medications and therapy). When you first came home, I had questioned myself about your course of care and if we were making the right decisions for you and for us as a family.  But I know we are now on the right track.

 

{ your ring }

This past year, we almost lost everything we had ever dreamed of.  Our marriage was broken and we had both checked out from it all for different reasons.  I'm so very sorry that our "wake-up" call came the way it did...but I'm glad that it woke us up.  I know that we are just barely into repairing our marriage, but I can already see the difference.  You are becoming the "husband" I married.  Not the same, but I can at least recognize you now. I know you say you miss the "old" Emily.  I miss her too.  I know that I will never be the same as that naive, glass half full, ready to take on the world girl you married, but I hope that by us working on our marriage and ourselves that I'll find her again.  Or at least one you can recognize.

 

{ our rings }

You, my husband, are the love of my life.  My soul.  My heart.  My home.  We married young and started a family even quicker than we anticipated.  But I wouldn't change the past 8 years.  Not a moment.  I know we have so much more ahead of us.  I really can't wait to see what the next 8 years will bring us.

{ fall }

{ source }

I can’t believe that it’s September 1^st already. I have been so busy with one tragedy after another that I haven’t had a moment to look up, and now that I have, I can’t believe summer is already gone.  I had such hope for our summer being filled with parks, lazy evening walks, and one activity after another.  Instead it was filled with hospital stays, doctor appointments, job loss and drastic changes to how we operate as a family (for the better, in time).

But I have always liked the coming of September.  It’s another new start to the year, full of its own promises and dreams.  And after the summer we've had…I can only hope that these changes are for good and we can finally find our footing as individuals, a couple, and a family.

{ marriage is hard }

For the past few years our marriage had been going down a dark path that neither of us recognized until it was almost too late.  It led to this...

The stress of our marriage problems landed us an ER visit after MJ having a series of seizures and a bought of confusion.  3 days on the med/surg floor at one hospital before being transferred to the University hospital for another 2 days.  Series of blood work, seizure medications, scans, and a video EEG.  Luckily it wasn't a seizure disorder.  But it made us both realize how close we were to losing everything we had wanted and ever dreamed of as husband and wife.

When MJ and I said "I do" almost 8 years ago, I would have never imagined this where we would ever end up.  Both of us so checked out from our marriage and each other that when we "woke up" we didn't recognize who we had married.  Neither one of us carries more of the blame than the other, we are both equally responsible, just in different ways.

The past few weeks since MJ has come home, we have spent trying to get things back to a steady routine, with major changes.  It has resulted in MJ needing to find a new job, the boys going to daycare full time, and me working as much as possible to make ends meet until MJ can start a new job.  But it's also blessed us.  We've had more time as a family.  Our nights are filled with games, movies, and parks.  I go to sleep every night with my husband next to me.  I have a partner to rely on in the middle of the night when no one is sleeping.  Days off where it's just MJ and I are spent getting to know each other again.

It feels like we are on a better track and on the same page.  It's going to be rocky while we still find our footing as a couple and a family, but I couldn't picture anyone else by my side.