{ TGBTL :: Pinterest obession }

So it's been a few weeks since I have joined The Girl Between the Lines Blog Linkup - but I'm once again joining Lauren & Hayley

 

 



This weeks prompt ::

Share your top 5 Pinterest Pins this week.

Like everyone else, I'm a little pinterest obsessed.  I probably pin far too often and with so many things that I will probably never get the time to do with two little boys, but it's my favorite website.

1.  Every girl deserves a photo like this.  ::  Pinterest wasn't around when I got married almost 9 years ago, so I love to browse the pins in the wedding section.  I came across this picture and told my husband that when we have our family pictures done this fall I absolutely must have a picture taken like this during our session.

2.  Brownie Batter Overnight Protein Oatmeal ::  I love pinterest for all the different recipes I can find.  Since I have realized that I finally need to shed the lbs and become a more healthier and happier version of myself, I have been looking at different healthy recipes to start my day off with.  I haven't tried this one yet but I'm planning on picking up the cocoa powder tomorrow and will give it a whirl on Friday.

3.  Cross Fit at home workouts :: Same idea with the overnight brownie batter protein oatmeal, I've been looking at workouts that are fun and get me up and moving.

4.  DIY chandelier ::  One of my goals this year is to make our small apartment feel more like home.  Since Mike returned to school for at least 2 years, we will continue to live here until he graduates and we know where he will find a job with the MN DNR.  We are starting with our master bedroom and I've been looking at chandeliers and other things that I can make and hang from the ceiling to make the room more personalized.

5.  DIY Cardigian Revamp ::  As you can tell, I'm a bit in love with DIY projects.  While most of my wardrobe is made of scrubs, I would really like to dress things up a little bit when I'm not at work. Since I love to shop at thrift stores, I've been looking at inspiration for how to dress up some of my finds.

I'm looking forward to seeing the other favorite pins from those who are from the blog linkup and if not, please leave me your pinterest link because I would love to see all the things that inspire you!

You can follow me here.
 

{ TGBTL :: Life now }

It's that time of week again and I'm joining TGBTL with Lauren and Hayley.

 

 

This Week's Prompt: We all imagined what our lives would like like when we were "all grown up"... how does that compare to what your life looks like now?

 Last night I laid in bed with my husband, listening to the quiet of our small apartment and asked him if the life we have now was what he thought his life would be like.  He said both yes and no.  While where we are in life, still living in our first apartment and him just now returning to school wasn't the plan...me and the boys were always apart of his picture what his life plan.

I, on the other hand, looking back to where I thought I would be at this time 11 years ago as I was finishing my senior year in high school, was completely different.  The plan had been to go the North Dakota and obtain a double major in Biomedical Sciences and Lab Technology so I could work through med school.  I had planned on working with a horse trainer and to help train a few of the horses she had as an undergraduate.  I thought at the time I would marry my then boyfriend and have a huge family since both of us came from large families.

But life happened.  I needed a knee surgery and which kept me from working with horses for a few years.  I learned that the person who I though would spend the rest of my life with, wasn't the person I thought he was and our relationship was extremely unhealthy.  I, then, gave the one boy who I never thought things would ever work out a chance and ended up engaged within 3 months of us dating.  And while I never did finish my degree because I moved home and married and started a family, I'm not all that sad about it.

I look at where I am now and love where I am.  I found a home in my husband and children.  The home I had been looking for since my parents divorced.  I look at the rest of my life and see the possibilities.  I still have time to finish a degree in the healthcare field when it's time.  Horses will always play a roll in my life, especially since I know quite a few women in their 80's who still get out there and run barrels like no other.  I still see at least one more baby if not more, Mike and I had always agreed on a large family.  And I really couldn't see spending my life with anyone else than the man who is still right next to me watching police dash cam videos on YouTube. 

{ finally...for me }

I don't know how many times I have posted that I was ready for the journey of losing weight.  To finally shed the pounds and become a healthier me.  Often it starts with good intentions only to give way to one excuse after another why this journey needs to wait.

But really it comes down to fear.  Fear of failing.  Fear of still not liking what I see in the mirror when I reach my goal weight.  Fear that instead of finding myself on this journey, I will only lose myself more. 

It's sad that fear is holding me back.  I'm not really sure how to conquer my fear except to start this journey once and for all.  To look in the mirror and tell myself how important this journey is.  How I can only improve from here.  And it need to go on this journey to become a healthier and happier me.

Yes, it's going to take some work and improvements to my time management.  But life right now is passing me by.  I have kept waiting for a signal or for something epic to happen to start this journey and now I'm wondering what I'm really waiting for.

It's time to tackle my demons with emotional eating and strengthening my body with exercise.  It's time to discover exactly what I'm made out of and show myself that I'm desiring of love.  If from no one else but myself.

While I would like to say by December 31st, I would like to be at my goal weight of 120 pounds, I don't know if that's plausible since I'm currently at 238 pounds.  I'm the heaviest I have ever been and this was my final weight before giving birth to Alex 16 months ago.  So I have broken my weight loss down into 4 stages and will focus on losing 47 pounds for now and will focus on making weekly fitness goals and reporting my results here on Mondays.

For this week:

1. To keep an accurate food journal to really see what exactly I put into my mouth.  It will hopefully keep my honest and show myself what I'm really fueling my body with.
2. Drink 2/3 Nalgene bottles full of water a day
3. Workout at least 4 times with week - mostly likely weigh tloss yoga DVD.

I know this journey is going to be long and full of both triumphs and defeats but it's time to finally do this for me.

{ i'm not loving you right }

Sitting in a cold room in church, huddled with a few other ladies, listening to the speaker about how to we all love differently, it hit me.  I have not been loving my husband the right way.  Or at least the way he feels loved the most.

On Thursday, while it was brutally cold here in MN, I gathered with a handful of church ladies to hear a therapist speak on the 5 love languages.  I'm so glad I braved the elements and attended.  It hit me hard as her words spoke to my heart and I could immediately understand why Mike and I have had most of the fights that we have had.

We each feel loved in completely different ways.  We try to show each other love in different ways, and they don't match up.  For example, Mike loves to try to surprise me with gifts.  I'm not a very good gift receiver.  For me, gifts aren't always freely given and I'm not exactly sure how to reciprocate.  As well as, my idea of gift or surprise is Mike planning an evening for us without me having to make phone calls for babysitters or figuring out what restaurant to eat at or movie to see.  As petty as it sounds, it has started epic fights because I don't react the way I know Mike hopes that I will.  I have been trying to be better in receiving his gifts and understanding that he's just trying to shower me with his love and make sure that I have pretty things.

It also opened my eyes to how I feel loved the most, and now I feel like I can better communicate to Mike what I need from our relationship to feel loved best by him.

I do hope that by reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that Mike and I will be able to better communicate to each other how we each feel loved best and do our best to show each other our love by speaking in that language.

{ not another marriage advice post }

You won't find any marriage tips here.  

Or advice I have pinned on my marriage board on Pinterest.

Or cute pictures of my husband and I at some recent event or photography session.

But this is where I tell you that I'm down in the trenches with you.  

Fighting for the health of my marriage, just like you.

That it's hard coming back from the brink of separation, divorce, or infidelity.

That the good days are very good and the bad days are even worse.

Where trying to get over the "what ifs", the "could've beens", the "should've beens" and learning to "love your choice" can be more difficult than you've ever thought.

But my husband is a good man.  

Who loves me dearly and is fighting for our marriage just like I am.

And it's hard. 

But I'm right here with you.

{ remembering charlie }

I don't talk much about Charlie anymore.  Charlie's estimated due date and dates related to the loss of Charlie pass without fanfare.  But I remember.  I feel the pang of the loss.  I feel on those days my heart was ripped out and someone is missing.

Charlie was wanted and was planned.  From the moment we started trying for Charlie, we were dreaming of what it would be like to have 2 children, if we would have another boy, or a girl this time, and all the other possibilities that comes with welcoming a new baby into our family.

Instead those dreams and plans ended all to quickly.  We never heard Charlie's heartbeat. Never found out if Charlie was a boy or a girl.  Never held Charlie.  Never smelled that sweet new baby smell.  And there was nothing we could do about it.

So today is for you sweet Charlie.  We remember you.  And miss you.  I know that you are looking down on us and sent us your brother Alexander.  I know that one day we'll meet and I'll get all the time I missed with you.

{ dear husband... }

Dear Husband,

On September 24th we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.  It wasn't grand by any means.  You ended up working all day and it was easier for me to just pick up so I wouldn't spend the day alone.  We exchanged cards and you surprised me with roses and promised that soon we would find a time to go out and celebrate...even if it was to a brunch or late lunch before we had to go get the boys from daycare.

 

{ my rings }

To be honest, once your seizures happened back in July, I wasn't sure we would be standing here.  You now working with a new employer that has been better for all of us, but especially you, and you are ready to take on the world (with the right medications and therapy). When you first came home, I had questioned myself about your course of care and if we were making the right decisions for you and for us as a family.  But I know we are now on the right track.

 

{ your ring }

This past year, we almost lost everything we had ever dreamed of.  Our marriage was broken and we had both checked out from it all for different reasons.  I'm so very sorry that our "wake-up" call came the way it did...but I'm glad that it woke us up.  I know that we are just barely into repairing our marriage, but I can already see the difference.  You are becoming the "husband" I married.  Not the same, but I can at least recognize you now. I know you say you miss the "old" Emily.  I miss her too.  I know that I will never be the same as that naive, glass half full, ready to take on the world girl you married, but I hope that by us working on our marriage and ourselves that I'll find her again.  Or at least one you can recognize.

 

{ our rings }

You, my husband, are the love of my life.  My soul.  My heart.  My home.  We married young and started a family even quicker than we anticipated.  But I wouldn't change the past 8 years.  Not a moment.  I know we have so much more ahead of us.  I really can't wait to see what the next 8 years will bring us.

{ his timing }

I had found this quote on pinterest and laughed.

Earlier in the day I had found myself kneeling in our room pouring my heart out to our Heavenly Father with tears streaming down my face.  

We had finally received some good news on Mike's unemployment appeal and he was getting his first pay check from his new employer.  Our financial issues were going to be settled and we would be caught up on all of our bills and could start fresh with October working on Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace baby steps.  But then I checked our account and his paycheck had not been deposited.  Mike called to see when we would receive the partial payment we had been granted from unemployment had was told he was ineligible because a form was never filled out - they would send another one and then we MAY receive something but it was highly unlikely.

At that point I was broken.  I had held on to hope and prayers, knowing that if we could just get through the roughest parts of the past few months, we would be okay.  We've began repairing our broken marriage.  We spent more time as family.  God and faith became regular topics of discussion in our home again.  I had felt like we were finally finding our footing and could see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. 

My battered heart and soul couldn't anymore.  Being positive and believing something, anything good would happen disappeared, and then I began to plead with Heavenly Father.  With a broken heart and tears streaming down my face I prayed.  For relieve (even in the tiniest degree).  For faith.  For love.  For comfort.  For knowledge that He has a plan and soon I will see.

...and after my pleading I felt peace and comfort.  I still had no idea how I was going to pay bills, put gas in our cars, and feed our children.  But I felt like it was all going to be okay.  

And it is.

Not on my time or even my way.

But in His time and His way.

{ fall }

{ source }

I can’t believe that it’s September 1^st already. I have been so busy with one tragedy after another that I haven’t had a moment to look up, and now that I have, I can’t believe summer is already gone.  I had such hope for our summer being filled with parks, lazy evening walks, and one activity after another.  Instead it was filled with hospital stays, doctor appointments, job loss and drastic changes to how we operate as a family (for the better, in time).

But I have always liked the coming of September.  It’s another new start to the year, full of its own promises and dreams.  And after the summer we've had…I can only hope that these changes are for good and we can finally find our footing as individuals, a couple, and a family.

{ marriage is hard }

For the past few years our marriage had been going down a dark path that neither of us recognized until it was almost too late.  It led to this...

The stress of our marriage problems landed us an ER visit after MJ having a series of seizures and a bought of confusion.  3 days on the med/surg floor at one hospital before being transferred to the University hospital for another 2 days.  Series of blood work, seizure medications, scans, and a video EEG.  Luckily it wasn't a seizure disorder.  But it made us both realize how close we were to losing everything we had wanted and ever dreamed of as husband and wife.

When MJ and I said "I do" almost 8 years ago, I would have never imagined this where we would ever end up.  Both of us so checked out from our marriage and each other that when we "woke up" we didn't recognize who we had married.  Neither one of us carries more of the blame than the other, we are both equally responsible, just in different ways.

The past few weeks since MJ has come home, we have spent trying to get things back to a steady routine, with major changes.  It has resulted in MJ needing to find a new job, the boys going to daycare full time, and me working as much as possible to make ends meet until MJ can start a new job.  But it's also blessed us.  We've had more time as a family.  Our nights are filled with games, movies, and parks.  I go to sleep every night with my husband next to me.  I have a partner to rely on in the middle of the night when no one is sleeping.  Days off where it's just MJ and I are spent getting to know each other again.

It feels like we are on a better track and on the same page.  It's going to be rocky while we still find our footing as a couple and a family, but I couldn't picture anyone else by my side.