{ winter :: i give up }

 

I don't actually hate winter.  I actually enjoy the snow and cold.  I used to enjoy the fluffy coats of the horses and the winter trail rides with my mom.  The big snow flakes and sledding.  But this winter is different.  With no barn to run off to and the epic frigid temperatures, I'm ready to throw in the towel.

 

Tonight, here in MN, we are expecting 6 to 8 inches in our area and I'm over it.  I'm ready for spring.  To see green grass and sunshine.  I'm ready for dinners to be picnics at the park so the boys can run off their left over energy from the day.  I'm ready to start running outside where I don't have to worry if I'm going to slip and fall on my butt on the ice.

 

I'm tired of being stuck in our small apartment with two hyper-active boys.  I'm tired of icy roads and snow emergencies.  I'm tired of grey and cold.  I'm done winter.  Totally and utterly done.

 

 



{ let the nuk war begin }

{ just a 'few' of Alex's nuks }

Alex had his 18 month checkup on Friday.  I hadn't really been worried about him meeting his milestones since he has smashed through them, normally only being a week or two behind his cousins.  However, when I checking milestones off his chart for the doctor, I realized that Alex is far behind in his verbal skills.

Alex is very vocal.  I have no problem knowing what he wants or needs.  However, he should be calling us "mama" and "dada" and having a vocabulary of 15 to 20 words.  He is no where near that.  In talking to his doctor there could be a number of reasons why Alex isn't where he should be verbally.  He could either be just too stubborn or sees no use to speak since I can tell read him well without being being verbal.  He could also have some hearing loss because of all the ear infections, and since we were told a year ago that hearing loss in his left ear was likely, I wouldn't be surprised.  Or lastly it could be caused by the nuk.

So no more nuk expect at nap times and bed time.  He isn't allowed his nuk during the day while at daycare except at nap time, however I didn't really enforce the rule at home.  We've gotten past the bottle stage without any fuss, so I figured when we started enforcing the "no nuk" policy at home, it wouldn't be so bad.  I was wrong. 

On Sunday, after coming to terms that we were going to have to start, we gave Alex several chances to hand over the nuk.  He wouldn't.  So Mike took it from him.  Alex then refused to have anything to do with him and would cry if left in the room with Mike.  A couple hours later, Evan saw that Alex had found another nuk somewhere and took it from him.  Alex then decided that Evan was the devil as well.  It was a long day yesterday.

Today we did a little better, but only because Alex was a daycare a good portion of the day.  While I'm sure that the nuk isn't the only reason he isn't verbal, I'm sure it doesn't help.  And I would rather rule it out.

{ happy birthday }

Dear Husband,

Today you are 29 years old!  Last year was one of the toughest years we could have gone through, and I feel like we are now the strongest we have ever been.  Today wasn't anything special.  It was spent getting haircuts for you and Evan, and running other random errands.  It was so nice to sit down with my sisters and your friend, Jon, and just enjoy the company and eat at our favorite restaurant.

I know you are worried about getting old and turning grey, but I feel like we are now hitting our stride and  have so much life in front of us.  I love you.  Every bit of you.  And I couldn't picture anyone else by my side.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

{ TGBTL :: You Are of Infinite Worth }

I'm a once again late to the party - but I'm so sad that this is the last time to join Lauren and Hayley for The Girl Behind the Lines.  I wish these girls the best of luck on their newest adventures and hope that maybe one day they will bring it back.

This Week's Prompt: Tell us a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

 

{pinned here}

As a teen, I suffered from major depression.  I still do, and had horrible postpartum depression with both boys.  There were days where I could barely get through the day.  I would have to force myself to get out of bed, put a smile on my face and some how put one foot in front of the other.  It took all my energy and I would count down the minutes until I could climb into my bed and shut out the world again.

I often felt like a failure and that I was unworthy of love and affection.  I spent too much time replaying conversations through my head.  Wondering that if only I had said something different, the conversation would have gone another way.  I was easily hurt by those who brushed me off or continually cancelled on play dates or to hang out.  I found it easier to build walls around myself to protect my heart from everyone, including myself.

I was lucky enough to have parents who recognized that I needed help when I was young.  I started rounds anti-depressants and therapy.  It took years to find the right combination of medication and the right therapist.  During those times I was able to recognize when I would start to fall into a depression and found healthy ways to get out of the depression.  Every so often once I thought I was doing well and with doctor approval, I would wean off my medication and would do well for a year or two, before getting to a place again where I needed more help.

Through hours of therapy, I have now come to realize that I am of infinite worth.  I am deserving of love and affection, and those who don't believe that I am worth their time do not matter.  I need not to give them that kind of power over me.  It's still hard.  I still have bad days where the tasks of daily living just drain it all out of me and people have been unkind and my heart just aches.  But, remembering those words above makes it easier, even on those toughest of days.

{ insta-friday }

I'm following along with Jeannett today and catching up with every thing that happened instagram style this week.

I'm @emilyacarver.

I went out on my first jog of the spring this week.

Besides realizing that I need to do it more often because of I'm not in the shape that I wish I was in, it's so nice that is not a bazillion degrees below zero in MN anymore.

Anyone who knows my youngest knows that this shirt was meant for him...

walked out of the kitchen to find Alex like this...

THIS is why I bought the shirt above.

Buying shoes for my husband is ridiculous.  

And a chore I absolutely hate.

We finally found a store that carries 14W shoes after looking for about an hour and a half.

Love this quote!

How was your week?

{ sleep or the lack there of }

Alex has always been a great sleeper.  For the most part anyways.  However since the time change on Sunday, we haven't been sleeping.  I'm at a loss of what do to for my tired toddler who desperately wants to sleep but for some reason isn't able to settle himself anymore.

Part of me wants to blame who Mike has handled Alex's crying when he was put down a few nights ago.  Instead of letting Alex cry it out for a minute or two (which normal for him, he then settles himself down and sleeps), he promptly picked him up and took him into our room lay with him until he fell asleep.  Now it seems like he isn't willing to or able to settle himself down until we've gone through this ritual. 

Oh, and midnight on the dot for the past few nights, Alex decides that he needs to be up again.  No matter of rocking, cuddles, or singing him to sleep makes this midnight wake up last more than at least 45 minutes.  I'm tired.  Mike's tired.  Alex is tired.  And we're all on our last nerve

To make matters worse, Alex is refusing to eat dinner.  Another concern of mine since he very much loves to shove food in his face.  We've tried different seating arrangements for him (high chair vs booster seat), sitting with him and not sitting with him, even offering things I know he'll eat.  Nothing.  It all ends in tears, both his and mine, and neither of us eating much of anything for dinner.  I've come to hate dinner time since during the week, it's just the boys and I, since Mike doesn't get home until well after dinner time.

I'm out of ideas.  Do you have any?  seriously, I'll take whatever advice I can get.

{ weakness }

Today I went for my first run around the block in an embarrassingly long time.  The half a mile of which I ran (or really jogged), I only really ran about a 1/4th of it.  It still left me puffing for air and my legs and knees are still wobbly and weak.  But with it being nearly 50 in the Twin Cities, I would have been dumb not to get out and enjoy this weather.

It's hard to admit to myself that I really only have myself to blame when it comes to my lack of health and fitness.  It's hard to come to face to face with the fact that if I just loved myself enough, I would actually take care of myself instead of spending valuable time on worrying about what other people think of me.  People that really don't matter at all.  And truth smacked me in the face today when I could barely run a few yards.

I don't know how many times I have promised on this blog that THIS time...I would get my act together and find a way to be healthy.  That I would FINALLY figure out how to manage my household and work life and squeeze in some time to do yoga or take a jog around the block.  Because it hasn't happened yet.

But its not just my fitness.  My marriage, while strong now, is still on wobbly legs.  I know that I'm not yet the wife and partner that my husband needs and desires.  My two boys are my life, I feel I could improve in being a better mom and example for them.  And while financially we are doing better, I feel that we should be so much further in our lives.  

I have spent valuable time just putting one foot in front of the other, instead of being passionate about something...anything that would make this life...my life better.  So today, really is the first day of this new direction.  It's going to be hard, and I will constantly fail until I figure it all out.  It won't be tomorrow or even next week but it's time to take control and move forward.  And finally love this life.