{ our life via instagram }

It's been a while since I've caught up here with all the photos I snap on my phone but here is what we've been up to for the past little while...

::  the boys playing at the park ::  Evan learning to sew  ::  double rainbows always make me smile  ::

::  This is why I love my husband  ::  Alex demanded to sit in this swing  ::  SWING!  ::

::  Whatever brother can do I can do  ::  Alex and MJ  ::  my boys  ::

::  Cuddle time  ::  New winter hat  ::  Me & Evan at Pahl's Market  ::

::  Brothers at Pahl's Market ::  Playing at Pahl's Market  ::

::  Alex believes we should share EVERYTHING  ::  waiting for the milk to warm is just too much ::  New Car  ::

::  Playing at the grandparents'  ::  Trying out Daddy's headphones  ::  playing in the tub while mommy gets ready::

::  COUSINS!  ::  Look at me sit in this chair  ::

::  how much I miss this little girl in this picture.  Ms. Ellie  received her wings 3 years ago.  Her name is heard in our home on a daily basis and I can't believe that all Alex will know of her is this picture (and the many others we have around)  ::

{ lost }

I caught a glimpse of myself the other day and didn't recognize the woman staring back at me.  Instead of a fresh faced, bright eyed, optimistic girl, I saw a tired, haggard, weary soul and I’m not sure when that happened.

My husband has joked for weeks that he misses the old Emily, and now looking the in the mirror, I miss her too.  I feel the past few years I have lost myself.  Each tragedy I lost a little bit more of myself.  Every hateful word or negative brush off parts of me became more guarded.  And now I sit here not exactly who I am and where to start in finding myself.

I know that all of us go through these moments.  The shit hits the fan and we start putting one foot in front of the other, a big smile on our face and just try to make it through the day without any major problems.  But then we look up and have no idea who we are, or where we are.  And that’s where I am at.

Looking back at where I thought I would be, I laugh.  I’m nowhere near what I thought I would be.  I’m on a completely different path.  Not a bad path, just a different one.  Dreams changed and being a wife and a mother became more important.  But I still feel lost.

I feel so scared to move forward.  To dream bigger dreams as a mother and a wife, heck, even as a person.  I worried of stepping on toes and saying the wrong thing because apparently I do that a lot.  I have kept my head down and just tried to get through the day without putting my foot in my mouth.  To me I feel smaller than whom I was 10 years ago, even though I was dealing with major depression and generalized anxiety back then.

So my big question is where do I go from here?  Because I’m lost and I’m not sure where I am hiding.

{ remembering charlie }

I don't talk much about Charlie anymore.  Charlie's estimated due date and dates related to the loss of Charlie pass without fanfare.  But I remember.  I feel the pang of the loss.  I feel on those days my heart was ripped out and someone is missing.

Charlie was wanted and was planned.  From the moment we started trying for Charlie, we were dreaming of what it would be like to have 2 children, if we would have another boy, or a girl this time, and all the other possibilities that comes with welcoming a new baby into our family.

Instead those dreams and plans ended all to quickly.  We never heard Charlie's heartbeat. Never found out if Charlie was a boy or a girl.  Never held Charlie.  Never smelled that sweet new baby smell.  And there was nothing we could do about it.

So today is for you sweet Charlie.  We remember you.  And miss you.  I know that you are looking down on us and sent us your brother Alexander.  I know that one day we'll meet and I'll get all the time I missed with you.

{ welcome to the family... }

About a week after Mike came home from the hospital and I killed the Accord.  I was idling while finishing up a quick phone call with a client and then all a sudden I heard a boom and saw steam shooting out from under the hood. I immediately turned it off and called my husband down to take a look at the damage.

Initially we thought it was just a hose...maybe a head gasket at the worst.  But no.  Last week the poor Accord was finally going to be fixed when we got the news that no...I hadn't blown a head gasket, the engine block had cracked meaning that the Accord had gone to car heaven.  Or at least was going to be signed over to the guy who was going to fix it for all his trouble.

So yesterday Mike and his dad went out looking for cars.   We had spent night after night looking through ads on different cars and had hoped that one we had liked (at least on the internet) would work out.  But then I got the call that no...the ones I had "pined" over didn't work out and that we would be getting a Ford Taurus.  Or as it is called in my husband's family a "Taursadies".
  And then when it appeared...I realized that it's as long as our van so it's going to be like driving a boat around. 

So welcome to the family S.S. Taursadies.  You may not be what I had hoped for but I think you'll do just fine...

{ you've survived 385 days }

{alex @ 6 days old }

Dear Mr. Alex,

You're first birthday was 3 weeks ago.  And in spite of a lot of things, you survived.  You've proven you are a force to be wrecked with and anyone that calls you meek and mild really doesn't have a clue.

{ me & my boys }

You are wild, crazy, and seem to think that the laws of gravity and physics don't apply to you.  After your hairline skull fracture and minor concussion and I can tell we have stitches and broken bones in your future.  You are stubborn, impulsive, and have no fear.  This has led to accident after accident.  In fact your daycare no longer calls me for every bump and bruise and a day without an incident report is a good day.

{ evan & alex }

You are also so very brave.  Going through test after test for your hydronephrosis.  You laid perfectly still for an hour both at 2 months and then at 10 months for your renogram.  You've aced ultrasounds and other imaging.  You were a champ through your surgery for tubes, and have mastered how to handle ear pain from all your ear infections.

{ daddy & alex }

You are incredible sweet.  Freely giving out hugs and kisses to all of us.  We love your cuddles and your big goofy grins hidden behind your nuks.  You are smart.  You have figured out how to pop open baby gates and how to get onto furniture by pushing pillows or stools next to whatever you want to climb on.  While you still haven't figured sleep out (your brother at that age hadn't either) you eat like I can't even believe, with blueberries (berries) and pancakes being your favorite.  Although you seem to think that whatever we eat or drink we really should be sharing with you.

{ our family }

I love calling you mine, Mr. Alex.  You are one heck of a one year old.  I can't even imagine all the grey hairs you are going to give your father and me through out the years. 

Love you to the moon and back,

mommy

{  happy birthday! }

{ dear husband... }

Dear Husband,

On September 24th we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.  It wasn't grand by any means.  You ended up working all day and it was easier for me to just pick up so I wouldn't spend the day alone.  We exchanged cards and you surprised me with roses and promised that soon we would find a time to go out and celebrate...even if it was to a brunch or late lunch before we had to go get the boys from daycare.

 

{ my rings }

To be honest, once your seizures happened back in July, I wasn't sure we would be standing here.  You now working with a new employer that has been better for all of us, but especially you, and you are ready to take on the world (with the right medications and therapy). When you first came home, I had questioned myself about your course of care and if we were making the right decisions for you and for us as a family.  But I know we are now on the right track.

 

{ your ring }

This past year, we almost lost everything we had ever dreamed of.  Our marriage was broken and we had both checked out from it all for different reasons.  I'm so very sorry that our "wake-up" call came the way it did...but I'm glad that it woke us up.  I know that we are just barely into repairing our marriage, but I can already see the difference.  You are becoming the "husband" I married.  Not the same, but I can at least recognize you now. I know you say you miss the "old" Emily.  I miss her too.  I know that I will never be the same as that naive, glass half full, ready to take on the world girl you married, but I hope that by us working on our marriage and ourselves that I'll find her again.  Or at least one you can recognize.

 

{ our rings }

You, my husband, are the love of my life.  My soul.  My heart.  My home.  We married young and started a family even quicker than we anticipated.  But I wouldn't change the past 8 years.  Not a moment.  I know we have so much more ahead of us.  I really can't wait to see what the next 8 years will bring us.