{ TGBTL :: Life now }

It's that time of week again and I'm joining TGBTL with Lauren and Hayley.

 

 

This Week's Prompt: We all imagined what our lives would like like when we were "all grown up"... how does that compare to what your life looks like now?

 Last night I laid in bed with my husband, listening to the quiet of our small apartment and asked him if the life we have now was what he thought his life would be like.  He said both yes and no.  While where we are in life, still living in our first apartment and him just now returning to school wasn't the plan...me and the boys were always apart of his picture what his life plan.

I, on the other hand, looking back to where I thought I would be at this time 11 years ago as I was finishing my senior year in high school, was completely different.  The plan had been to go the North Dakota and obtain a double major in Biomedical Sciences and Lab Technology so I could work through med school.  I had planned on working with a horse trainer and to help train a few of the horses she had as an undergraduate.  I thought at the time I would marry my then boyfriend and have a huge family since both of us came from large families.

But life happened.  I needed a knee surgery and which kept me from working with horses for a few years.  I learned that the person who I though would spend the rest of my life with, wasn't the person I thought he was and our relationship was extremely unhealthy.  I, then, gave the one boy who I never thought things would ever work out a chance and ended up engaged within 3 months of us dating.  And while I never did finish my degree because I moved home and married and started a family, I'm not all that sad about it.

I look at where I am now and love where I am.  I found a home in my husband and children.  The home I had been looking for since my parents divorced.  I look at the rest of my life and see the possibilities.  I still have time to finish a degree in the healthcare field when it's time.  Horses will always play a roll in my life, especially since I know quite a few women in their 80's who still get out there and run barrels like no other.  I still see at least one more baby if not more, Mike and I had always agreed on a large family.  And I really couldn't see spending my life with anyone else than the man who is still right next to me watching police dash cam videos on YouTube. 

{ finally...for me }

I don't know how many times I have posted that I was ready for the journey of losing weight.  To finally shed the pounds and become a healthier me.  Often it starts with good intentions only to give way to one excuse after another why this journey needs to wait.

But really it comes down to fear.  Fear of failing.  Fear of still not liking what I see in the mirror when I reach my goal weight.  Fear that instead of finding myself on this journey, I will only lose myself more. 

It's sad that fear is holding me back.  I'm not really sure how to conquer my fear except to start this journey once and for all.  To look in the mirror and tell myself how important this journey is.  How I can only improve from here.  And it need to go on this journey to become a healthier and happier me.

Yes, it's going to take some work and improvements to my time management.  But life right now is passing me by.  I have kept waiting for a signal or for something epic to happen to start this journey and now I'm wondering what I'm really waiting for.

It's time to tackle my demons with emotional eating and strengthening my body with exercise.  It's time to discover exactly what I'm made out of and show myself that I'm desiring of love.  If from no one else but myself.

While I would like to say by December 31st, I would like to be at my goal weight of 120 pounds, I don't know if that's plausible since I'm currently at 238 pounds.  I'm the heaviest I have ever been and this was my final weight before giving birth to Alex 16 months ago.  So I have broken my weight loss down into 4 stages and will focus on losing 47 pounds for now and will focus on making weekly fitness goals and reporting my results here on Mondays.

For this week:

1. To keep an accurate food journal to really see what exactly I put into my mouth.  It will hopefully keep my honest and show myself what I'm really fueling my body with.
2. Drink 2/3 Nalgene bottles full of water a day
3. Workout at least 4 times with week - mostly likely weigh tloss yoga DVD.

I know this journey is going to be long and full of both triumphs and defeats but it's time to finally do this for me.

{ i'm not loving you right }

Sitting in a cold room in church, huddled with a few other ladies, listening to the speaker about how to we all love differently, it hit me.  I have not been loving my husband the right way.  Or at least the way he feels loved the most.

On Thursday, while it was brutally cold here in MN, I gathered with a handful of church ladies to hear a therapist speak on the 5 love languages.  I'm so glad I braved the elements and attended.  It hit me hard as her words spoke to my heart and I could immediately understand why Mike and I have had most of the fights that we have had.

We each feel loved in completely different ways.  We try to show each other love in different ways, and they don't match up.  For example, Mike loves to try to surprise me with gifts.  I'm not a very good gift receiver.  For me, gifts aren't always freely given and I'm not exactly sure how to reciprocate.  As well as, my idea of gift or surprise is Mike planning an evening for us without me having to make phone calls for babysitters or figuring out what restaurant to eat at or movie to see.  As petty as it sounds, it has started epic fights because I don't react the way I know Mike hopes that I will.  I have been trying to be better in receiving his gifts and understanding that he's just trying to shower me with his love and make sure that I have pretty things.

It also opened my eyes to how I feel loved the most, and now I feel like I can better communicate to Mike what I need from our relationship to feel loved best by him.

I do hope that by reading the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, that Mike and I will be able to better communicate to each other how we each feel loved best and do our best to show each other our love by speaking in that language.

{ TGBTL :: silly horse things }

Once again, Late to the party...but joining Hayley and Lauren for TGBTL link up.

This weeks prompt  ::  What is one tangible thing you have that holds intangible value?

I have a box full of horse things that I will never get rid of.  It's full of halters, bits, and a hoof pick or two.  To most people it's junk, especially since I'm not currently riding.  But to me it's pieces of a dream I've put on hold to raise my boys.

I've been on a horse since I was 8.  I was in 4-H and showed with a junior equestion team called the JETs.  Weekends in the summer were spent at the Washington County fairgrounds at horse shows and Labor day weekend was "horse weekend" at the MN State Fair.

6 years ago, my mom had an opportunity to manage a horse facility in Princeton, MN for a non-profit.  Days off from work and weekends were spent on the trails and teaching teens at risk how to care for these animals.  Evan (my oldest) for the most part has grown up on the back of horse.  Some of our favorite pictures and memories are from the long rides we took together in the country.

18 months ago, just before Alex was born, I made the decision that I could no longer keep my 8 year old quarter horse, Bailey.  I had spent the past 3 years training him and was hopeful that one day I would be able to show him, but raising my boys and giving them that time while they are young seemed to be more important.

So yes, it's a box full of random horse things and seems silly to pretty much everyone else, but to me, those pieces of my dream are waiting for me when the time is right.

{TGBTL :: advice }

While I'm a day or two late on this linkup, I'm once again joining the girls that sponsor The Girl Between the Lines.

This weeks prompt ::  What is the most valuable advice you've ever received and why?

{ source }


Last summer was a heck of a summer.  After being married for almost 8 years, Mike and I had stopped communicating.  Both of us angry and turning away from each other and our marriage.  It was horrible.  It was to the point that both of my parents had offered to come and get the boys and I, I only needed to say the words.

Then Mike started having his seizures.  I was by his side through it all.

After Mike came home with a diagnosis of pseudo-seizures caused by emotional distress and sleep deprivation, we both sat down and really talked about our marriage and if it was worth saving.  While thinking and praying, I found the meme above inspired by this quote:

"Choose a companion carefully and prayerfully; and when you are married, be fiercely loyal one to another. Priceless advice comes from a small framed plaque I once saw in the home of an uncle and aunt. It read, 'Choose your love; love your choice.' There is great wisdom in those few words. Commitment in marriage is absolutely essential."
-President Thomas S. Monson

It made me realize that I had chosen my husband and very much wanted our marriage.  It was now a matter of recommitting myself to my husband and our marriage.

It has been hard learning how to communicate with my husband again.  To be open and completely honest with him.  Some days are absolutely fabulous and others are not so much. But we've gotten closer and we both no longer walk on egg shells around each other.  It's almost like we've gotten back to how we were when we were first married.

{ strength :: TGBTL }

Once again joining up with Lauren & Hayley for TGBTL and honored to have been chosen as their post of the week from last week!

This Week's Prompt: Tell us about a trait you look up to or admire in someone in your life and why!

Strength.  The type of strength were you meet your challenges head on and not only meet them by thrive in spite of them.

{ my lovely sister :: Nanci }

My sister was in car versus semi-truck accident in early December 2012.  It left her in a coma for two weeks because of a traumatic brain injury.  This led to a drain in her skull to relieve the pressure and tracheotomy since she was unable to breath on her own very well.  The doctors always knew my sister was going to be okay because every time they lifted her sedation, she fought them breaking 3 sets of restraints and kicking nurse in the head.  When she did eventually wake up after a long 2 weeks for us, she tried to ask for her dog Duncan.  She was able to recognized all of us and while she didn't remember names all the time, she knew we belonged to her in some fashion.

{ my sisters and I after Nanci was moved to Bethseda }

Just a year ago Nanci was still in rehab at Bethseda in St Paul.  She was recovering well but we still were completely unsure if she would ever be able to live on her own.  Now, Nanci has moved back to Minnesota after finishing her recovery in Kansas under the watchful eyes of our mom to finish her art degree and strengthen her talents in blowing glass. 

{ Nanci now }

I admire her and her strength and how far she's come in just over 13 months.

{ making it count in 2014 }

I will make 2014 count by

slowing down and enjoying life.

trying new things.

flirting with my husband more.

hugging my boys more.

over using the words "i love you".

finding a creative outlet.

making new friends.

reconnecting with old friends.

reading books that are good for my soul.

believing in myself.

taking better care of myself.

learning a new skill.

being more selfless.

traveling and exploring.

studying the scriptures.

taking more photos.

being outside.

growing as a whole person.

listening.

trusting in God's plan.

{ what i'm doing differently in 2014 }

{ me & my boys }

Last year this time, I figured that 2013 would be my year.  I had it all planned out and mapped out, I was excited to feel like I had gotten somewhere by today.  Then life happened.  And it kicked me hard in the keister.  From picking up the pieces to help my sister, Nancy, recover from her TBI to realizing that I was on the brink of losing my marriage, to say that I'm glad that 2013 is over would be an understatement.

But I still have things planned for this year.  I do have lists and plans and will do a whole other post about it.  Not necessarily resolutions, but things I hope I can accomplish this next year.  In looking over my list I realize that it all stems down to one theme..

TO LOVE MORE.

To love my husband more.  To learn his love language and show him all the love I can.  I want rebuild our marriage and make it stronger than it has ever been.

To love my children more.  To be more "available" to them by putting down the phone or worrying about my "To Do" lists and get down on the floor and play with them.  To take them to more places for more experiences and to help them build relationships with friends and cousins.

To love my extended family & friends more.  To repair relationships where needed and build stronger connections with them.  all of them.  

To love my Heavenly Father more.  To serve him and my fellow church members in ways that I never expected.

To love the life I have while working towards the life I want.  I'm no where near where I want us to be as a family in life, but hating our life now isn't going to help us build for the future.  I hope that one day when we are where we want to be, I can look back and cherish the time we were all squished into our tiny apartment.

To be able to look in the mirror and love the reflection I see.  Not just appearance wise, but the whole picture.  My whole being.