{ all by myself }

A few weeks ago we had our bishop come over to visit with his lovely wife.  He mainly wanted to check in and see how we were doing as well as give us the soft reminder that Evan is getting closer to becoming baptized next year.  And then the next day I had a visit from the sister missionaries who were just assigned to our ward.  I shared my fears of bring the boys by myself to church and if was it really worth it if I spent a majority of the time walking circles around the church with a 14 month old who wouldn't possibly sit still.  But I promised I would try.

The morning was hectic.  Chaotic even.  My husband kissed me and reminded me that I didn't need to bring them by myself.  I could easily wait for another time when Mike would accompany me.  But my answer was I did need to do this, because there are going to be weeks when Mike won't be able to attend with me and both boys need to be in church to feel the spirit of our Heavenly Father.

While I parked, I still had my doubts about how this was going to go.  However, it went well.  I was invited to sit with another one of the sisters in the ward who helped manage the boys (really just to watch Evan when I needed to give Alex a "running" break) and both boys behaved as well as I could have hoped for.  After sacrament, Evan went off to primary, leaving me with just Alex, and we spent most of our time the second hour walking the hallways.  I ran into a lot of my old youth leaders and parents of those who I attended youth groups with.  It was so nice to catch up with them.

Eventually I conned Alex into a nap, and he napped for most of the third hour allowing me to sit through Relief Society without much trouble.  I still feel odd sitting there.  I am one of the youngest women in our ward and I still haven't figured out how I fit into our church community.  But I'm hoping by showing up when I can that I will be able to.

I'm surprised how well it all went.  It boosted my confidence, not only in being able to manage my two crazy boys, but that the women of the ward will stand by me and give me a hand.  And I really couldn't ask for more.

{ only temporary }

Last night was a bad one.  horrible.  It was almost like having a newborn again who was suffering from colic.  restless and cranky.  At the time I sighed and tried to concentrate on the small body in my lap and told myself this is only temporary.  Even though I'm so overwhelmed in it all that I can't even begin to think of time where I won't spend a good portion of my night on the lounge chair with a restless toddler on my lap attempting to sleep.

The past few weeks have been terrible.  Alex has clued in to the uneasy stress that Mike and I have been dealing with from day to day just trying to figure out our next steps.  This has led to EPIC tantrums that last hours where I can't do anything but cling onto the small crying body of Alex and hum songs in hopes he'll calm down.  When we get home after long days, Alex won't let me out of his sight and screams if I even begin to think about making dinner for the family.   Instead of being excited for the few hours I have to play with the boys...even before I get to daycare to get the boys I'm counting down the hours before it's bedtime.

I'm trying to remember if Evan was this way.  It was only two years ago before Evan began routinely sleeping through the night.  I don't think it was ever this bad.  I also was at home more.  Evan was barely in daycare if at all before his preschool years, and now both boys are gone all day.

I often wonder if I'm making the right decisions. If putting in the extra hours to make ends meet and give my husband time to start feeling his way through school is really worth it in the end?  I know it is.  I know that 2 years is really just a short time and will pass more quickly than I realize.  But I hate that Alex is so worked up.  That instead of spending the day at play dates and mommy groups, I'm at work.

Already tonight I'm on edge.  Although it's quiet and both boys are in bed, I'm not sure how long it will last.  I plead that tonight both boys sleep.  That Alex is comfortable and barely makes a peep.  But if not, I'll be on the lounge again, with his warm body curled on my lap and I stroke his hair, telling myself this is only temporary.  And to treasure this time.  And hope that in a few years I'll forget the epic tantrums and mommy issues and just remember the moments in the middle of the night where it only seems like Alex and I exist.

{ new adventures }

This morning was spent at a doctor appointment and researching scholarships for Mike.  In just 2 months Mike will be going back to school to attain his degree in law enforcement.  Mike finally decided that he wanted to work for the DNR as a conservation officer.  Mike has always wanted to work for law enforcement, but I figured he would follow in either his grandfather's or father's footsteps, and work for MN State Patrol or at the county level.

But I'm excited he's finally made a decision.  Being outside and in nature would do Mike's soul some good especially since his breakdown.  But it also means that once he finishes his degree (most likely in 2 and a half years) we won't be in the Twin Cities.  It would mean going north or south, and leaving the safety net of having so much of Mike's family so close.  But a move where we are on our own seems exciting.

However, I'm a little itchy about what Mike going back to school means for us.  It means even less time together.  It means late nights helping Mike to study and making sure he has all the tools he needs to be successful.  It means I might be a "single" parent most nights.  And what little time we have together we need to make sure we spend it together.

But in all my hesitance.  I'm ready.  I'm ready for Mike to attain his dreams and succeed.  I'm ready for that meaning finally (hopefully) home ownership and having more babies (well at least one).  I'm ready for that meaning that I could cut my hours and be stay home more with the boys and eventually attaining my degree in nursing or becoming a PA.

So here's to new adventures and jumping in feet first!

{ our life via instagram }

It's been a while since I've caught up here with all the photos I snap on my phone but here is what we've been up to for the past little while...

::  the boys playing at the park ::  Evan learning to sew  ::  double rainbows always make me smile  ::

::  This is why I love my husband  ::  Alex demanded to sit in this swing  ::  SWING!  ::

::  Whatever brother can do I can do  ::  Alex and MJ  ::  my boys  ::

::  Cuddle time  ::  New winter hat  ::  Me & Evan at Pahl's Market  ::

::  Brothers at Pahl's Market ::  Playing at Pahl's Market  ::

::  Alex believes we should share EVERYTHING  ::  waiting for the milk to warm is just too much ::  New Car  ::

::  Playing at the grandparents'  ::  Trying out Daddy's headphones  ::  playing in the tub while mommy gets ready::

::  COUSINS!  ::  Look at me sit in this chair  ::

::  how much I miss this little girl in this picture.  Ms. Ellie  received her wings 3 years ago.  Her name is heard in our home on a daily basis and I can't believe that all Alex will know of her is this picture (and the many others we have around)  ::

{ lost }

I caught a glimpse of myself the other day and didn't recognize the woman staring back at me.  Instead of a fresh faced, bright eyed, optimistic girl, I saw a tired, haggard, weary soul and I’m not sure when that happened.

My husband has joked for weeks that he misses the old Emily, and now looking the in the mirror, I miss her too.  I feel the past few years I have lost myself.  Each tragedy I lost a little bit more of myself.  Every hateful word or negative brush off parts of me became more guarded.  And now I sit here not exactly who I am and where to start in finding myself.

I know that all of us go through these moments.  The shit hits the fan and we start putting one foot in front of the other, a big smile on our face and just try to make it through the day without any major problems.  But then we look up and have no idea who we are, or where we are.  And that’s where I am at.

Looking back at where I thought I would be, I laugh.  I’m nowhere near what I thought I would be.  I’m on a completely different path.  Not a bad path, just a different one.  Dreams changed and being a wife and a mother became more important.  But I still feel lost.

I feel so scared to move forward.  To dream bigger dreams as a mother and a wife, heck, even as a person.  I worried of stepping on toes and saying the wrong thing because apparently I do that a lot.  I have kept my head down and just tried to get through the day without putting my foot in my mouth.  To me I feel smaller than whom I was 10 years ago, even though I was dealing with major depression and generalized anxiety back then.

So my big question is where do I go from here?  Because I’m lost and I’m not sure where I am hiding.

{ remembering charlie }

I don't talk much about Charlie anymore.  Charlie's estimated due date and dates related to the loss of Charlie pass without fanfare.  But I remember.  I feel the pang of the loss.  I feel on those days my heart was ripped out and someone is missing.

Charlie was wanted and was planned.  From the moment we started trying for Charlie, we were dreaming of what it would be like to have 2 children, if we would have another boy, or a girl this time, and all the other possibilities that comes with welcoming a new baby into our family.

Instead those dreams and plans ended all to quickly.  We never heard Charlie's heartbeat. Never found out if Charlie was a boy or a girl.  Never held Charlie.  Never smelled that sweet new baby smell.  And there was nothing we could do about it.

So today is for you sweet Charlie.  We remember you.  And miss you.  I know that you are looking down on us and sent us your brother Alexander.  I know that one day we'll meet and I'll get all the time I missed with you.

{ welcome to the family... }

About a week after Mike came home from the hospital and I killed the Accord.  I was idling while finishing up a quick phone call with a client and then all a sudden I heard a boom and saw steam shooting out from under the hood. I immediately turned it off and called my husband down to take a look at the damage.

Initially we thought it was just a hose...maybe a head gasket at the worst.  But no.  Last week the poor Accord was finally going to be fixed when we got the news that no...I hadn't blown a head gasket, the engine block had cracked meaning that the Accord had gone to car heaven.  Or at least was going to be signed over to the guy who was going to fix it for all his trouble.

So yesterday Mike and his dad went out looking for cars.   We had spent night after night looking through ads on different cars and had hoped that one we had liked (at least on the internet) would work out.  But then I got the call that no...the ones I had "pined" over didn't work out and that we would be getting a Ford Taurus.  Or as it is called in my husband's family a "Taursadies".
  And then when it appeared...I realized that it's as long as our van so it's going to be like driving a boat around. 

So welcome to the family S.S. Taursadies.  You may not be what I had hoped for but I think you'll do just fine...