Thursday, October 17, 2013

{ lost }

I caught a glimpse of myself the other day and didn't recognize the woman staring back at me.  Instead of a fresh faced, bright eyed, optimistic girl, I saw a tired, haggard, weary soul and I’m not sure when that happened.

My husband has joked for weeks that he misses the old Emily, and now looking the in the mirror, I miss her too.  I feel the past few years I have lost myself.  Each tragedy I lost a little bit more of myself.  Every hateful word or negative brush off parts of me became more guarded.  And now I sit here not exactly who I am and where to start in finding myself.

I know that all of us go through these moments.  The shit hits the fan and we start putting one foot in front of the other, a big smile on our face and just try to make it through the day without any major problems.  But then we look up and have no idea who we are, or where we are.  And that’s where I am at.

Looking back at where I thought I would be, I laugh.  I’m nowhere near what I thought I would be.  I’m on a completely different path.  Not a bad path, just a different one.  Dreams changed and being a wife and a mother became more important.  But I still feel lost.

I feel so scared to move forward.  To dream bigger dreams as a mother and a wife, heck, even as a person.  I worried of stepping on toes and saying the wrong thing because apparently I do that a lot.  I have kept my head down and just tried to get through the day without putting my foot in my mouth.  To me I feel smaller than whom I was 10 years ago, even though I was dealing with major depression and generalized anxiety back then.

So my big question is where do I go from here?  Because I’m lost and I’m not sure where I am hiding.

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