Thursday, November 21, 2013

{ only temporary }

Last night was a bad one.  horrible.  It was almost like having a newborn again who was suffering from colic.  restless and cranky.  At the time I sighed and tried to concentrate on the small body in my lap and told myself this is only temporary.  Even though I'm so overwhelmed in it all that I can't even begin to think of time where I won't spend a good portion of my night on the lounge chair with a restless toddler on my lap attempting to sleep.

The past few weeks have been terrible.  Alex has clued in to the uneasy stress that Mike and I have been dealing with from day to day just trying to figure out our next steps.  This has led to EPIC tantrums that last hours where I can't do anything but cling onto the small crying body of Alex and hum songs in hopes he'll calm down.  When we get home after long days, Alex won't let me out of his sight and screams if I even begin to think about making dinner for the family.   Instead of being excited for the few hours I have to play with the boys...even before I get to daycare to get the boys I'm counting down the hours before it's bedtime.

I'm trying to remember if Evan was this way.  It was only two years ago before Evan began routinely sleeping through the night.  I don't think it was ever this bad.  I also was at home more.  Evan was barely in daycare if at all before his preschool years, and now both boys are gone all day.

I often wonder if I'm making the right decisions. If putting in the extra hours to make ends meet and give my husband time to start feeling his way through school is really worth it in the end?  I know it is.  I know that 2 years is really just a short time and will pass more quickly than I realize.  But I hate that Alex is so worked up.  That instead of spending the day at play dates and mommy groups, I'm at work.

Already tonight I'm on edge.  Although it's quiet and both boys are in bed, I'm not sure how long it will last.  I plead that tonight both boys sleep.  That Alex is comfortable and barely makes a peep.  But if not, I'll be on the lounge again, with his warm body curled on my lap and I stroke his hair, telling myself this is only temporary.  And to treasure this time.  And hope that in a few years I'll forget the epic tantrums and mommy issues and just remember the moments in the middle of the night where it only seems like Alex and I exist.

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