{ sleep or the lack there of }

Alex has always been a great sleeper.  For the most part anyways.  However since the time change on Sunday, we haven't been sleeping.  I'm at a loss of what do to for my tired toddler who desperately wants to sleep but for some reason isn't able to settle himself anymore.

Part of me wants to blame who Mike has handled Alex's crying when he was put down a few nights ago.  Instead of letting Alex cry it out for a minute or two (which normal for him, he then settles himself down and sleeps), he promptly picked him up and took him into our room lay with him until he fell asleep.  Now it seems like he isn't willing to or able to settle himself down until we've gone through this ritual. 

Oh, and midnight on the dot for the past few nights, Alex decides that he needs to be up again.  No matter of rocking, cuddles, or singing him to sleep makes this midnight wake up last more than at least 45 minutes.  I'm tired.  Mike's tired.  Alex is tired.  And we're all on our last nerve

To make matters worse, Alex is refusing to eat dinner.  Another concern of mine since he very much loves to shove food in his face.  We've tried different seating arrangements for him (high chair vs booster seat), sitting with him and not sitting with him, even offering things I know he'll eat.  Nothing.  It all ends in tears, both his and mine, and neither of us eating much of anything for dinner.  I've come to hate dinner time since during the week, it's just the boys and I, since Mike doesn't get home until well after dinner time.

I'm out of ideas.  Do you have any?  seriously, I'll take whatever advice I can get.

{ haircut }

Today Alex had another first....his first haircut. 

 

I'm not sure why we had waited so long, but his hair was getting a little out of control

 

{ before }

 

We had asked my sister in law for the name of the girl that she takes her children to, since one of our nephews has autism and another one is only 4 months older than Alex, I figured if she loved someone, that was who we needed to take Alex to.

 

{ during }

 

Alex wasn't too sure about the whole idea.  At least there were no tears.  Just the constant shifting around because he wasn't sure he wanted her to touch him, let away cut his hair.  However, it well.  So well in fact, we may make her our permanent hair dresser.

 

 

{ after }

 

Alex's hair is still pretty much the same length, except a bit shorter and trimmed.  I was surprised how fluffy and curly his hair was once he had his bath.

 

But he's so darn cute!



{ kidney update }

{ yay for ultrasounds }

 

Today we spent a good portion of our afternoon at the University of MN Amplatz Children's hospital.  For those new to the blog, Alexander has hydronephrosis in his left kidney.  This basically means that his kidney is retaining fluid because of an obstruction where his kidney and ureter meet.

 

Last time we met with his urologist was back in early July, so it was nice to see her again.  Alex was a perfect patient for both the ultrasound tech, and for his doctor.  His kidney is still large and severely diluted.  However, it's stable.  The kidney continues to still grow on target and Alex is relatively healthy.  He has not had issues with UTI's or kidney infections and besides issues with ear infections, you would never know that my spirited, bold 1 year old had such a problem.  Since the kidney is stable, we'll continue to just monitor it for now and won't have to go back until August.

 

My feelings about this course of treatment have changed.  I haven't always agreed with the "wait and see" approach.  But I can understand why his urologist is hesitant to take Alex into surgery.  Alex having surgery to put a stent in could be argued either way and as for now, Alex has no indicators that his hydronephrosis is getting worse nor are we battling recurrent UTI's.

 

He's happy and healthy and is most likely to turn me grey before I'm 30.  I do worry about the health of that left kidney and what waiting could potentially do to weaken an already weaker kidney.  But I have confidence that this is the right thing for now.

 



{ all by myself }

A few weeks ago we had our bishop come over to visit with his lovely wife.  He mainly wanted to check in and see how we were doing as well as give us the soft reminder that Evan is getting closer to becoming baptized next year.  And then the next day I had a visit from the sister missionaries who were just assigned to our ward.  I shared my fears of bring the boys by myself to church and if was it really worth it if I spent a majority of the time walking circles around the church with a 14 month old who wouldn't possibly sit still.  But I promised I would try.

The morning was hectic.  Chaotic even.  My husband kissed me and reminded me that I didn't need to bring them by myself.  I could easily wait for another time when Mike would accompany me.  But my answer was I did need to do this, because there are going to be weeks when Mike won't be able to attend with me and both boys need to be in church to feel the spirit of our Heavenly Father.

While I parked, I still had my doubts about how this was going to go.  However, it went well.  I was invited to sit with another one of the sisters in the ward who helped manage the boys (really just to watch Evan when I needed to give Alex a "running" break) and both boys behaved as well as I could have hoped for.  After sacrament, Evan went off to primary, leaving me with just Alex, and we spent most of our time the second hour walking the hallways.  I ran into a lot of my old youth leaders and parents of those who I attended youth groups with.  It was so nice to catch up with them.

Eventually I conned Alex into a nap, and he napped for most of the third hour allowing me to sit through Relief Society without much trouble.  I still feel odd sitting there.  I am one of the youngest women in our ward and I still haven't figured out how I fit into our church community.  But I'm hoping by showing up when I can that I will be able to.

I'm surprised how well it all went.  It boosted my confidence, not only in being able to manage my two crazy boys, but that the women of the ward will stand by me and give me a hand.  And I really couldn't ask for more.

{ only temporary }

Last night was a bad one.  horrible.  It was almost like having a newborn again who was suffering from colic.  restless and cranky.  At the time I sighed and tried to concentrate on the small body in my lap and told myself this is only temporary.  Even though I'm so overwhelmed in it all that I can't even begin to think of time where I won't spend a good portion of my night on the lounge chair with a restless toddler on my lap attempting to sleep.

The past few weeks have been terrible.  Alex has clued in to the uneasy stress that Mike and I have been dealing with from day to day just trying to figure out our next steps.  This has led to EPIC tantrums that last hours where I can't do anything but cling onto the small crying body of Alex and hum songs in hopes he'll calm down.  When we get home after long days, Alex won't let me out of his sight and screams if I even begin to think about making dinner for the family.   Instead of being excited for the few hours I have to play with the boys...even before I get to daycare to get the boys I'm counting down the hours before it's bedtime.

I'm trying to remember if Evan was this way.  It was only two years ago before Evan began routinely sleeping through the night.  I don't think it was ever this bad.  I also was at home more.  Evan was barely in daycare if at all before his preschool years, and now both boys are gone all day.

I often wonder if I'm making the right decisions. If putting in the extra hours to make ends meet and give my husband time to start feeling his way through school is really worth it in the end?  I know it is.  I know that 2 years is really just a short time and will pass more quickly than I realize.  But I hate that Alex is so worked up.  That instead of spending the day at play dates and mommy groups, I'm at work.

Already tonight I'm on edge.  Although it's quiet and both boys are in bed, I'm not sure how long it will last.  I plead that tonight both boys sleep.  That Alex is comfortable and barely makes a peep.  But if not, I'll be on the lounge again, with his warm body curled on my lap and I stroke his hair, telling myself this is only temporary.  And to treasure this time.  And hope that in a few years I'll forget the epic tantrums and mommy issues and just remember the moments in the middle of the night where it only seems like Alex and I exist.

{ you've survived 385 days }

{alex @ 6 days old }

Dear Mr. Alex,

You're first birthday was 3 weeks ago.  And in spite of a lot of things, you survived.  You've proven you are a force to be wrecked with and anyone that calls you meek and mild really doesn't have a clue.

{ me & my boys }

You are wild, crazy, and seem to think that the laws of gravity and physics don't apply to you.  After your hairline skull fracture and minor concussion and I can tell we have stitches and broken bones in your future.  You are stubborn, impulsive, and have no fear.  This has led to accident after accident.  In fact your daycare no longer calls me for every bump and bruise and a day without an incident report is a good day.

{ evan & alex }

You are also so very brave.  Going through test after test for your hydronephrosis.  You laid perfectly still for an hour both at 2 months and then at 10 months for your renogram.  You've aced ultrasounds and other imaging.  You were a champ through your surgery for tubes, and have mastered how to handle ear pain from all your ear infections.

{ daddy & alex }

You are incredible sweet.  Freely giving out hugs and kisses to all of us.  We love your cuddles and your big goofy grins hidden behind your nuks.  You are smart.  You have figured out how to pop open baby gates and how to get onto furniture by pushing pillows or stools next to whatever you want to climb on.  While you still haven't figured sleep out (your brother at that age hadn't either) you eat like I can't even believe, with blueberries (berries) and pancakes being your favorite.  Although you seem to think that whatever we eat or drink we really should be sharing with you.

{ our family }

I love calling you mine, Mr. Alex.  You are one heck of a one year old.  I can't even imagine all the grey hairs you are going to give your father and me through out the years. 

Love you to the moon and back,

mommy

{  happy birthday! }

{ brothers :: a photo montague }

 Evan and Alex have an interesting relationship.  It's been fun to watch it grow.  Alex loves watching his big brother and is starting to get really get interested in whatever Evan is doing...whether or not Evan really wants him to.

 

But Evan is a really good big brother.  Always making sure Alex has a nuk, bottle or toy.

 

They just love each other and it just warms my heart!

 

 

{ Alex is 5 months...a lot late }

Nicknames:

Billy goat, fuss bucket, drool bucket, chunk-a-monk, little one, roll-e-poll-e

Evan calls him either bug or bud.

Weight:

15 lbs 7 oz

Clothes:

Finally packed away the last of the 3 mo clothes.  Totally in 6 mo clothes.

Diaper Size:

2

Eating:

Alex still prefers breast above all else, however he will drink expressed breast milk if I am not around.  We have also started solids.  Which I think was an awesome choice.  His tummy problems seem to be a bit better than they were before.  He will pretty much eat anything we throw at him which is awesome.  As of right now he has fruit mixed with rice cereal for breakfast and dinner.  He gets a vegetable at lunch.  Alex is also still taking his prilosec.

Sleep:

What's that?

In the beginning of the month, Alex was doing really well at night time.  Going down about 730 and sleeping until 330, nursing, and then waking up for good about 530/6 am.  But then we had a really bad week where he was up every hour or so.  I finally figured out that he was rolling all over the place and waking himself up.  So I hit Target and bought some larger "SwaddleMe" blankets.  That has seemed to solve our problem.

Naps are another story.  Most days he takes 3 to 4 short naps.  Other days he will take some really good long naps.  

Milestones:

rolling from back to tummy, rolling from tummy to back, grasping everything within reach, recognizes Mike, Evan, and I.

Firsts:

Valentine's Day (spent at doctor appointments...yay!), cousin Harper sleeping over, playing with Betty (uncle Joe's dog who I forever want to call Molly)

Life with Alex:

Oh boy!  Mr. Alex is one loud, demanding, active little thing.  When he is happy, he is fabulous.  Generous with his smiles, giggles, and coos.  When he's not happy, nothing will make him happy.  Seriously.  I don't know how many days, Mike and I have spent hours upon hours trying to calm a very distraught Alex.  I'm holding out hope that one day, he'll make a turn and become an easy baby.  (but honestly, I'm not holding my breath)

Alex does love his brother.  He watches Evan all the time.  If he could crawl already, he would be chasing Evan around.  It's so fun to watch the relationship between Evan and Alex develop.  We attempted to put them in the same room - but then we started having the sleep issues with Alex so for now he remains in our room.  I'll probably attempt to put them in the same room again in a week or two.

He loves music and especially when I sing to him so we spend most of our days listening to music while I sing to him.  He prefers to have us hold him so he is standing versus us propping him up so he can sit.  I think he just likes the vantage point he gets from being up higher.  He's fallen in love with some creepy singing dog he got for Christmas and is constantly chewing on it or his fingers or toes.

Oh how I love him...

{ glad it's over }

Today seemed never ending.  Maybe it’s because I still haven’t really gotten any sleep or because it’s Valentine’s Day or because we spent a good portion of the morning getting children ready to walk out the door at 8 am.  In any case, I’m glad today is coming to an end.

This morning my boys surprised me with candies and a new travel mug – since mine had been tossed for one reason or another, as well as the first 2 seasons of Boy Meets World. (ps.  I’m totally pumped that they are bringing it back…although it will be called Girl Meets World).  But we quickly had to make our way out the door.  Evan had school and Alexander had an ultrasound and follow up appointment with his Urologist.

We got caught in traffic.  We always seem to, especially when I don’t leave much time for us to get there after we get Evan on the bus.  But Alex did so well during his ultrasound and we quickly made our way across the complex to the specialty clinic.  The good news – Alex’s kidney hasn’t gotten any worse.  The bad news – Alex’s kidney hasn't gotten any better.  So?  Well in May we’ll go back for another ultrasound.  Mike and I have decided that if we’re in the same place we are now – we’re going to go ahead and schedule the surgery that will (hopefully) correct his blockage once and for all.

After spending the better part of our morning in St Paul, we headed back home and went out on a lunch date.  We figured it would be easier since Mike had to work tonight and being down one child might mean it would go a lot easier than if we had both.  It was so nice to be able to sit down and eat out with my husband today.  We agreed that we needed to find a time when we can go out sans kids to eat or something.

After eating we did some shopping before coming home.  I think we pushed our luck with Alex – because he was certainly cranky.  Alex hadn't really napped while we were out and when he did – they were very short.  So I spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening rocking, nursing, singing, swaddling a very overly tired and cranky baby that would. Not. Go. To. Sleep.  Although finally he did.

The rest of the evening just seemed to pass right on by.  No major surprises and Evan and I got back into our nightly routine since it had been a few days since Mike had been home, sick with the flu.  However, I am having the hardest time reading to Evan at night.  He never sits still or relaxes.  He seems to spend the entire time jumping from one spot to the next, laying all over me or his brother, or just plainly interrupting me while I’m reading with nothing that has to do with what we are reading or him really needing anything.  I just don’t get it.  But I just keep trying.  Hopefully one day we can get through our bedtime stories without much hassle (although I’m not holding my breath)

And although Mike is safely off to work and the boys (for now) are tucked into bed, I know that my day isn't over.  Alex will probably wake soon since he’s been asleep since 5 this afternoon.  There are dishes to be done.  Bills to be paid.  And other random things that need to get pulled together before tomorrow.  But that gets me thinking about tomorrow and that’s going to be another long day full of appointments, errands, and cranky babies.  Oye.  

Alex and his new Giraffe - Gary - He's just a little obsessed with it

{ happy 4 months alexander! }

{ I can't believe he's 4 months already! }

Nicknames ::  Alex, billy goat, scooter, fussy bucket, drool bucket, little one, baby, chunk-a-monk, and Evan has started calling him "bug"

Diaper Size :: size two

Clothing ::  some 3 month clothes, some 6 month clothes

Firsts ::  Toys for Tots shopping, Christmas, ear infection

Food ::  Nurses or expressed breast milk.  We tried to move him to a hypo allergic formula since he's been having very painful gas and increased bouts of colic.  Absolutely refuses - turns up his nose and refuses the bottle.  We've just given up and have continued to nurse and give expressed breast milk - we just make sure he gets gas drops right after - it has seemed to help.  Luckily we are also going to start solids next month in hopes that might help with his tummy troubles.

Life with Alexander ::  oh what a month!  This poor baby can't catch a break.  He's had 2 back to back ear infections.  First a double ear infection, and then just in his right ear second time.  I'm hoping that once we finish this round of antibiotics we will be done with ear infections.  period.  

The inlaws finally experienced what we've been experienced since bring Alex home.  Inconsolable crying for 4 hours or more.  I took him into urgent care after I left work early only to be told we have a very healthy baby - except for the ear infection that was resolving.  yay.

It hasn't all be bad.  Alex sure has a demanding personality and mommy issues.  It's pretty entertaining.  He's been giggling more and Mike just can't wait for him to start belly laughing.  He has also started to reach out for us.  Especially Evan.  (which Evan loves)  He also loves to face-scoot a couple inches when on his tummy.  He is also obsessed with a lantern toy that he got for Christmas.  He either has his hands in his mouth or on his feet - which seem to also always be in his mouth too.  In his perfect world I would hold him and talk to him all day while he has his fingers & toes in his mouth - while nursing and while his lantern is singing some song that is now constantly stuck in my head.

Although this month has been a hard one - I'm hoping next month will be better!

More pictures of my littlest buddy.  

{ my boys }

Dear littles,

oh how I love the both of you.  each for your own reasons & most importantly because you are mine (& your dad's).

mr. evan...

You aren't unnoticed.  Sometimes I know that you feel that way.  Especially since you are more self reliant.  You are an awesome big brother.  An amazing helper.  You are special and unique, and don't ever forget that.  and even when it seems like we don't notice those quiet times when you are doing good - we notice.

i love that you love school so much.  i love that each day you get home and you can't wait to tell us about your day.  (& report that you haven't gone to the nurse's office that day)  Know that I love hearing about those moments.  I treasure your stories - even when I'm exhausted and completely drained.


mr. alex...

you've had such a difficult month.  both your daddy and i are trying so hard to figure out what is going on with that small body of yours.  (& we hate being told nothing is wrong when something most definitely seems to be going on).

regardless, i love how chunky your cheeks and thighs are getting.  seriously...i'm in love with your fat rolls.  i love that you "talk" at us each and every time you get to.  you're reaching out for us & a giggling more.  even though at times i really wish that you would just sleep - i love that you still prefer to nurse at night.  that time is just for you and me, and i will most definitely miss it when you wean.

oh boys...i love you.  completely.  totally.  forever & for always.

{ i will be your home }

I will be your home...

I will be your guide...

I will be your friend...

always on your side....

- "Night Mantra" by Renee & Jeremy

As those words played on Pandora, tears stung the back of my eyes.  For whatever reason - those words tugged at my heart.  It was as if I was being reminded by my Heavenly Father what motherhood is all about.

He entrusted me with two beautiful boys.  To create a loving & peaceful home - full of joy, laughter, and happy memories.  To guide them through this earthy adventure.  To teach them & help them become the men they have the potential to be.  To love them completely & totally.  & to have them that regardless of what they do I will be there to love them & support them unconditionally.

I have been struggling.  Learning how to still be the mom Evan needs me to be & how to become the mom Alex needs me to be has left me grasping at straws.  Most days I do okay - I know I could do better - be better.  Other days my patience is gone 30 seconds after rolling out of bed - & I just snap at whoever or whatever happens to be in my path.  In those times, I feel like a horrible mom & need to take a moment to regroup.  Remind myself it will all be okay & try to enjoy the crazy mess that being a mom to a 6 year old & 8 week old is.

I hope to very soon have those words on canvases over Alex's crib to help remind me in those times when I'm losing my mind & my patience is all by shot - That I am their home.  their guide.  their friend.  always on their side.  & so much more -

because I'm their mom.

{ <3 you two }