Friday, March 14, 2014

{ TGBTL :: You Are of Infinite Worth }

I'm a once again late to the party - but I'm so sad that this is the last time to join Lauren and Hayley for The Girl Behind the Lines.  I wish these girls the best of luck on their newest adventures and hope that maybe one day they will bring it back.

This Week's Prompt: Tell us a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.

 Both of you.

As a teen, I suffered from major depression.  I still do, and had horrible postpartum depression with both boys.  There were days where I could barely get through the day.  I would have to force myself to get out of bed, put a smile on my face and some how put one foot in front of the other.  It took all my energy and I would count down the minutes until I could climb into my bed and shut out the world again.

I often felt like a failure and that I was unworthy of love and affection.  I spent too much time replaying conversations through my head.  Wondering that if only I had said something different, the conversation would have gone another way.  I was easily hurt by those who brushed me off or continually cancelled on play dates or to hang out.  I found it easier to build walls around myself to protect my heart from everyone, including myself.

I was lucky enough to have parents who recognized that I needed help when I was young.  I started rounds anti-depressants and therapy.  It took years to find the right combination of medication and the right therapist.  During those times I was able to recognize when I would start to fall into a depression and found healthy ways to get out of the depression.  Every so often once I thought I was doing well and with doctor approval, I would wean off my medication and would do well for a year or two, before getting to a place again where I needed more help.

Through hours of therapy, I have now come to realize that I am of infinite worth.  I am deserving of love and affection, and those who don't believe that I am worth their time do not matter.  I need not to give them that kind of power over me.  It's still hard.  I still have bad days where the tasks of daily living just drain it all out of me and people have been unkind and my heart just aches.  But, remembering those words above makes it easier, even on those toughest of days.

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