Saturday, May 5, 2012

{ profound words :: on my heart }

{ profile of our newest little man }

Mike and I were sitting in our van.  We had just called both of our moms to let them know the good news about baby.  We're were having another boy and he's as healthy as can be expected and big.  Then Mike turned to me and said,

"God knew we needed another boy, that's why he's given us one"

Those words have been swirling around in my head ever since.  God knew we needed this baby.  This particular baby boy.  I know that if we hadn't had a miscarriage in August, this baby, this beautiful baby that is growing beneath my heart, would not be apart of our family. 

My heart hasn't fully healed from the loss of Charlie.  At times I feel like I shouldn't be sad or upset about it.  Like my pain isn't valid because it was such an early loss.  I never held my baby.  Never knew if Charlie was a boy or girl.  I never even felt Charlie move or heard Charlie's heartbeat.  Our loss isn't talked about much, if at all.  Mike and I talk about it from time to time, normally in passing.  I do wonder if the loss of sibling was why Evan happened to name a new stuffed eagle Charlie.

I tried not to rush into get pregnant again.  The urge to having another baby in our family was always there in the couple of months that we waited.  But I knew that we needed time to heal.  I needed the time.  I needed to prepare myself if and when we got pregnant again, that we could be looking at another loss.

We're lucky that's not the case.  Every time I've heard this baby's heartbeat or seen him on the ultrasound monitor I have felt relief.  Every time I've been too sick to drag myself out of bed or felt this baby squirreling around I have said a prayer of thanks.  God knew we needed him in our lives.  In this moment.  I have waited for this baby for almost 5 years and will only have to wait another 19 weeks and 2 days before being able to hold this beautiful blessing we have been given.

I'm not sure what prompted my husband to say those precious words to me, but I am thankful for them.  They are what I needed to hear in that exact moment to know that I wasn't alone in my thoughts about this pregnancy.  I love that my husband talks to my belly constantly and waits patiently to feel him move (he hasn't yet...but I'm sure as baby starts to grow, he'll be able to).

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father that he's blessed us with another son.  Because He knew this is what we needed.


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