{ remembering charlie }

I don't talk much about Charlie anymore.  Charlie's estimated due date and dates related to the loss of Charlie pass without fanfare.  But I remember.  I feel the pang of the loss.  I feel on those days my heart was ripped out and someone is missing.

Charlie was wanted and was planned.  From the moment we started trying for Charlie, we were dreaming of what it would be like to have 2 children, if we would have another boy, or a girl this time, and all the other possibilities that comes with welcoming a new baby into our family.

Instead those dreams and plans ended all to quickly.  We never heard Charlie's heartbeat. Never found out if Charlie was a boy or a girl.  Never held Charlie.  Never smelled that sweet new baby smell.  And there was nothing we could do about it.

So today is for you sweet Charlie.  We remember you.  And miss you.  I know that you are looking down on us and sent us your brother Alexander.  I know that one day we'll meet and I'll get all the time I missed with you.

{ welcome to the family... }

About a week after Mike came home from the hospital and I killed the Accord.  I was idling while finishing up a quick phone call with a client and then all a sudden I heard a boom and saw steam shooting out from under the hood. I immediately turned it off and called my husband down to take a look at the damage.

Initially we thought it was just a hose...maybe a head gasket at the worst.  But no.  Last week the poor Accord was finally going to be fixed when we got the news that no...I hadn't blown a head gasket, the engine block had cracked meaning that the Accord had gone to car heaven.  Or at least was going to be signed over to the guy who was going to fix it for all his trouble.

So yesterday Mike and his dad went out looking for cars.   We had spent night after night looking through ads on different cars and had hoped that one we had liked (at least on the internet) would work out.  But then I got the call that no...the ones I had "pined" over didn't work out and that we would be getting a Ford Taurus.  Or as it is called in my husband's family a "Taursadies".
  And then when it appeared...I realized that it's as long as our van so it's going to be like driving a boat around. 

So welcome to the family S.S. Taursadies.  You may not be what I had hoped for but I think you'll do just fine...

{ you've survived 385 days }

{alex @ 6 days old }

Dear Mr. Alex,

You're first birthday was 3 weeks ago.  And in spite of a lot of things, you survived.  You've proven you are a force to be wrecked with and anyone that calls you meek and mild really doesn't have a clue.

{ me & my boys }

You are wild, crazy, and seem to think that the laws of gravity and physics don't apply to you.  After your hairline skull fracture and minor concussion and I can tell we have stitches and broken bones in your future.  You are stubborn, impulsive, and have no fear.  This has led to accident after accident.  In fact your daycare no longer calls me for every bump and bruise and a day without an incident report is a good day.

{ evan & alex }

You are also so very brave.  Going through test after test for your hydronephrosis.  You laid perfectly still for an hour both at 2 months and then at 10 months for your renogram.  You've aced ultrasounds and other imaging.  You were a champ through your surgery for tubes, and have mastered how to handle ear pain from all your ear infections.

{ daddy & alex }

You are incredible sweet.  Freely giving out hugs and kisses to all of us.  We love your cuddles and your big goofy grins hidden behind your nuks.  You are smart.  You have figured out how to pop open baby gates and how to get onto furniture by pushing pillows or stools next to whatever you want to climb on.  While you still haven't figured sleep out (your brother at that age hadn't either) you eat like I can't even believe, with blueberries (berries) and pancakes being your favorite.  Although you seem to think that whatever we eat or drink we really should be sharing with you.

{ our family }

I love calling you mine, Mr. Alex.  You are one heck of a one year old.  I can't even imagine all the grey hairs you are going to give your father and me through out the years. 

Love you to the moon and back,

mommy

{  happy birthday! }

{ dear husband... }

Dear Husband,

On September 24th we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary.  It wasn't grand by any means.  You ended up working all day and it was easier for me to just pick up so I wouldn't spend the day alone.  We exchanged cards and you surprised me with roses and promised that soon we would find a time to go out and celebrate...even if it was to a brunch or late lunch before we had to go get the boys from daycare.

 

{ my rings }

To be honest, once your seizures happened back in July, I wasn't sure we would be standing here.  You now working with a new employer that has been better for all of us, but especially you, and you are ready to take on the world (with the right medications and therapy). When you first came home, I had questioned myself about your course of care and if we were making the right decisions for you and for us as a family.  But I know we are now on the right track.

 

{ your ring }

This past year, we almost lost everything we had ever dreamed of.  Our marriage was broken and we had both checked out from it all for different reasons.  I'm so very sorry that our "wake-up" call came the way it did...but I'm glad that it woke us up.  I know that we are just barely into repairing our marriage, but I can already see the difference.  You are becoming the "husband" I married.  Not the same, but I can at least recognize you now. I know you say you miss the "old" Emily.  I miss her too.  I know that I will never be the same as that naive, glass half full, ready to take on the world girl you married, but I hope that by us working on our marriage and ourselves that I'll find her again.  Or at least one you can recognize.

 

{ our rings }

You, my husband, are the love of my life.  My soul.  My heart.  My home.  We married young and started a family even quicker than we anticipated.  But I wouldn't change the past 8 years.  Not a moment.  I know we have so much more ahead of us.  I really can't wait to see what the next 8 years will bring us.

{ his timing }

I had found this quote on pinterest and laughed.

Earlier in the day I had found myself kneeling in our room pouring my heart out to our Heavenly Father with tears streaming down my face.  

We had finally received some good news on Mike's unemployment appeal and he was getting his first pay check from his new employer.  Our financial issues were going to be settled and we would be caught up on all of our bills and could start fresh with October working on Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace baby steps.  But then I checked our account and his paycheck had not been deposited.  Mike called to see when we would receive the partial payment we had been granted from unemployment had was told he was ineligible because a form was never filled out - they would send another one and then we MAY receive something but it was highly unlikely.

At that point I was broken.  I had held on to hope and prayers, knowing that if we could just get through the roughest parts of the past few months, we would be okay.  We've began repairing our broken marriage.  We spent more time as family.  God and faith became regular topics of discussion in our home again.  I had felt like we were finally finding our footing and could see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. 

My battered heart and soul couldn't anymore.  Being positive and believing something, anything good would happen disappeared, and then I began to plead with Heavenly Father.  With a broken heart and tears streaming down my face I prayed.  For relieve (even in the tiniest degree).  For faith.  For love.  For comfort.  For knowledge that He has a plan and soon I will see.

...and after my pleading I felt peace and comfort.  I still had no idea how I was going to pay bills, put gas in our cars, and feed our children.  But I felt like it was all going to be okay.  

And it is.

Not on my time or even my way.

But in His time and His way.

{ fall }

{ source }

I can’t believe that it’s September 1^st already. I have been so busy with one tragedy after another that I haven’t had a moment to look up, and now that I have, I can’t believe summer is already gone.  I had such hope for our summer being filled with parks, lazy evening walks, and one activity after another.  Instead it was filled with hospital stays, doctor appointments, job loss and drastic changes to how we operate as a family (for the better, in time).

But I have always liked the coming of September.  It’s another new start to the year, full of its own promises and dreams.  And after the summer we've had…I can only hope that these changes are for good and we can finally find our footing as individuals, a couple, and a family.

{ marriage is hard }

For the past few years our marriage had been going down a dark path that neither of us recognized until it was almost too late.  It led to this...

The stress of our marriage problems landed us an ER visit after MJ having a series of seizures and a bought of confusion.  3 days on the med/surg floor at one hospital before being transferred to the University hospital for another 2 days.  Series of blood work, seizure medications, scans, and a video EEG.  Luckily it wasn't a seizure disorder.  But it made us both realize how close we were to losing everything we had wanted and ever dreamed of as husband and wife.

When MJ and I said "I do" almost 8 years ago, I would have never imagined this where we would ever end up.  Both of us so checked out from our marriage and each other that when we "woke up" we didn't recognize who we had married.  Neither one of us carries more of the blame than the other, we are both equally responsible, just in different ways.

The past few weeks since MJ has come home, we have spent trying to get things back to a steady routine, with major changes.  It has resulted in MJ needing to find a new job, the boys going to daycare full time, and me working as much as possible to make ends meet until MJ can start a new job.  But it's also blessed us.  We've had more time as a family.  Our nights are filled with games, movies, and parks.  I go to sleep every night with my husband next to me.  I have a partner to rely on in the middle of the night when no one is sleeping.  Days off where it's just MJ and I are spent getting to know each other again.

It feels like we are on a better track and on the same page.  It's going to be rocky while we still find our footing as a couple and a family, but I couldn't picture anyone else by my side.